Polygamy in BDSM ~ What to be concerned about

polyAlthough, I’m not so much against a relationship that involves more than two people, it won’t be something I write about as a main theme. If I did, I would most likely make it a working poly family and keep out the natural problems such a dynamic can entail.

For today’s blog, I want to discuss those very problems since I have recently been involved with a few conversations entailing this dynamic.

Let’s first look at the definition of poly (there are two). There is Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning “many” or “several”, and Latin amor, “love”Smilie: ;) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational). And there is Polygamy (from πολύς γάμος polys gamos, translated literally in Late Greek as “many married”Smilie: ;) is a marriage which includes more than two partners.

For the purpose of this blog, when I say ‘poly’, I am focusing on polyamory.  In most cases, poly is where there are three people in a relationship – there can be more but for simplicity’s sake, let’s keep it to three Smilie: ;) – I am going to hope that, when someone enters into a BDSM relationship, they go into it with eyes wide open meaning a discussion of being poly should have been acknowledged prior to taking the next step to see if there is compatibility. Now let me make something perfectly clear:
If you are not willing to share, you are NOT poly.

What I have been finding recently is that women (submissives/slaves) are posting in forums looking for a third – let me clarify: They are looking for their master …..Ummmm…… Seriously?!?
Okay, okay. No, it’s not only that they are looking for their owner, it’s also been about how they are dealing with their dominant wanting to add the ever elusive unicorn into the mix.
In my not so humble opinion (mnsho), if they are dealing then they were taken by surprise and, dear Watson, if they are taken by surprise, the dynamics of a poly wasn’t really discussed in such a way as to be fully understood – add to the fact that the relationship was only a few months old.

Alright, now that I’ve gotten – somewhat – to the background of my concern, let’s go from there.

I think it’s fantastic that a dominant wants their submissive/slave to be a part of the choosing process because it allows for a closer bonding since the submissive’s thoughts are valued – but to MAKE her do the searching? It cries laziness on the dominant’s part, adds undo stress onto the submissive’s shoulders (she’s scared to disappoint – or choose wrong), creates a different dynamic (she’s in charge of a process that will affect positively or negatively the relationship), and a wealth of other thoughts come to mind – none positive. This is not a them thing – this is a dominant (aka: pimp daddy) telling his naive girl to go out and get him some.

The fact that the relationship is less than a year old (give or take) also allows for concern. A D/s, M/s, or other type BDSM relationship is like a marriage. In the first year, there are growing pains. Trust is being built, love is probably blossoming, communications is being worked on as well as expectations and BAM, now a third is required??

BDSM relationships are on a plane so deep it is unheard of in most marriages – if it’s the right type of relationship. A person is being tied up, gagpossibly gagged, and mostly in a private setting where there is no way to get help if shit goes wrong (we’ve all heard the stories and seen the news on how killers insinuate themselves into the BDSM communities because of how a submissive is willing to be placed in such a dangerous position – hopefully after a thorough check was done, but often times, not). These activities can’t be found in the vanilla world therefore a deeper trust is needed – unfortunately this type of trust is rare and often only found in the romance/fiction books we read. If you find that – hold on tight!

Since we’ve (I’ve) spent some time discussing the woes of the wrong way to enter into a poly family, let me talk about some things people believe are needed in order to make it work…

The number one thing needed is for both to have a desire for poly – no ifs, and, or buts – BOTH. must. like. to. share.

Many say that love is needed – and I agree: Love allows for many things but it doesn’t negate the fact that doubts will crop up (actually, nothing negates doubts but there is something that will help with those doubts more so than love). So I dont place love at the top.
How about trust? We already talked about how deep trust can be in BDSM. So, if the trust is there, shouldn’t that be right there at the top? If you’re asking me, I’d say no – but you are close. Trust, of the kind I mentioned, will be your best bet to allow for a poly situation to work.
The simple fact you both want poly isn’t even the top answer – even once your relationship has a strong foundation – but it is a strong contender for the top spot.
Okay, so you’re ready to shake me to get my answer … well, if you’ve read my other posts this will be a “duh” factor once you read what I say is the number one need.  Ready? Here goes (insert drum-roll):
~Communications~
As much as you are both willing to be poly – as much trust as you have developed – no matter how strong your relationship – without communications (right from the beginning, during the search, and after the discovery(ies)), you and – possibly – your relationship, will fail.
And here’s why…

When there are two people in a relationship, it’s pretty simple (outside the growing pains part). There is the dominant and there is the submissive. How you interact with each other in private and public has only minor changes. Now, toss in a third.
It now becomes how the dominant acts with you when alone, and how they act with you when the third is there. This is also different when in a public setting because of societal ‘rules/expectations” (depending on how much you follow those – LOL) … It’s how the dominant interacts with the third when you aren’t there and when you are …. how you interact with the third with or without the dominant and how they do so with you.
Sound easier than I am making it? Ya think? We do this with our families. Let’s say you’re married with children and your spouse is tired after a full days work and just wants peace and quiet but little Johnny was a brat and you’ve been dealing with him throughout the day – wont your interaction with Johnny change when the spouse comes home so that you can meet their need for peace and quiet? Your voice lowers if the situation allows for it – or you pull Johnny out of hearing … whatever – the dynamics changes as soon as another person walked into the situation.

Let me back-peddle here … Communications doesn’t end once you all agree that you ALL are happy with the situation – adjustments will be made, acknowledgement towards growth or changes need to be discussed – seeking a two-sided or three-sided conversation (as needed) will help the transition as well but, as much experience as you might have with poly … as much as you desire a poly relationship, doesn’t make a poly relationship work. As much as the two of you get along and enjoy the same things, doesn’t mean you will find someone who gets along with you both – or that you both will get along with them.

Back to mnsho here. Women tend to be catty, possessive, and jealous. jealousyHeck, even if you aren’t a jealous person, if your dominant (in your mind, is paying more attention to the third, you might find yourself a little on the green side – even if you both talked about how the dominant would probably do so because, after all, this is fresh meat. Women want to feel special – even if they are not the alpha submissive/slave – and there might be times when they want the dominant to show that specialness in front of you. If it is done with honest intent, it’s probably no more than a way to make them feel more confident about their position in that relationship – and we all need confidence in ourselves and where we stand … some more so than others – at least until they (and you) are comfortable in the relationship.
Don’t get me wrong – men (dominants) get jealous too – probably why most poly families are where there is one dominant and two submissives Smilie: ;) … it’s the whole ‘control’ issue too.

Believe me, I’m not saying it can’t work – I know those that have a poly family and are making it work but all parties are respected (even when it’s a slave and not a submissive) and listened to – there’s a lot of work involved but, if you all truly desire such a family, you can really enjoy the benefits – and everyone benefits. To expound on the benefits, let me give a simple example.
Let’s say I am in a D/s relationship (YAY!!) and my owner is a damn sadist and I am allergic to pain. We know we’ve found our partner in the other but he has itches that he isn’t comfortable taking out on me – adding in a third that is a pain slut meets that itch and takes undo stress off me.
As a matter of fact I know of those who have a poly but there is no interaction between the three (or more) of them – the dominant keeps each separate from the other … See??? There is no wrong way to have a BDSM relationship – as long as you all are happy!

happy

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