In the written world (ie: chatrooms) of BDSM, the dominant’s nic is usually capitalized and the submissive’s is not. Some dominants even capitalize Me, Mine, etc. However, I have never believed that a capital makes one more dominant any more than a lower case makes one more submissive and, when I came across the following post, I was grateful to have been given permission to share it with you…
She is my partner. Although I lead, her thoughts, suggestions, and opinions have merit. I need her on my team otherwise I am but a leaf in the wind.
She is not beneath me. I may stand above her and lay on top of her, but she has incredible value. She may bend to my will, but I will sweat for her needs.
She is the piece that completes me. Without her, I am not a whole being. I must respect her to respect myself. A puzzle missing a piece is nothing but trash.
She loves me. As the greedy recipient of her love and devotion, I must look her face to face, to return her kiss. She is thus equal.
She is my motivation to be strong. My foundation that I am rooted in as I brace against the wind protecting us both. Without her, I have no choice but to falter …. pointless.
She is my sounding wall. She knows all of my secrets and desires. She could destroy me and I her with what we know of each other. The deepest of trust deserves recognition.
She bent her knee to me. As her master, dominant, and leader I must hold her high and do so with pride. She is the best; above all. Her TITLE is Submissive. A title comes with rank and rank demands respect.
She does as she is told. She puts my needs above her own and ensures that I am well provided for emotionally. This is a heavy burden she carries as if it were a feather.
She accepts my failings. I am not perfect but in her eyes I am without fault. This drives me to live up to this standard. I am a better person for her and for this I am in her debt.
She is all that defines beautiful. Physically and mentally she is someone to be proud of. I walk with pride into any room with her on my arm. She gives me stature and I stand tall with her beside me. My most prized possession belongs up front at my side, not 3 steps back.
These are just a few reasons why I won’t ever write Sub with a lower case S. This goes for all of those wonderful people who give themselves to someone. .. to be the Yin to the Yang… the dawn to the night.
To my girl who carries my heart.
As with everything, each relationship has its own definition. There are many submissives who rejoice when they see their name in lower case – just as there are many dominants who don’t go all He-man if the capital letter didn’t get used with theirs (typoes happen).
It’s really all about what works for each relationship – there are no strict rules guiding how we all feel and what we must do. There is no one right way. If it feels good – do it.
If you would like to see this post in its originality and have a Fetlife account, you will find it here
Sex is hot. I love sex. I didn’t when I was younger (I mean I did, but not for the right reasons) because the guys I had sex with either had a lot to learn or just plain didn’t care about helping a lady out. And I’m not alone … it seems that 70% or more women fake orgasms. I know I did.
Seems there are men out there that have egos. Why women drop ours and hate meeting theirs head on by being honest truly needs to come to an end. It is, after all, towards the betterment of our enjoyment!
Think about it. If we, at the age of whatever it was when we first started having sex, spoke freely about trying new things, adjusting things we didn’t like, or not even doing them if it didn’t work, men might learn a lot sooner on what they needed to do to get us to orgasm because, let’s face it, it takes us more to orgasm than it does them.
And oral?? OMG. I swear I think men learned oral from porn flicks – ever see how those guys go to town?? Nasty. One day, they’ll learn that women enjoy porn along with the guys and 20 minutes of giving a guy a blow job compared to the 3 minutes of that over-extension of the tongue to rapidly flick somewhere near the clit is horrendous!
Okay – I got off topic …
Because men aren’t learning from the source, they are developing habits that, by the time they meet someone who is honest, they might be either too stuck in their ways or they think she’s high maintenance and move on … Unless they are the exception and oh, how I like exceptions!
The old adage: youth is wasted on the young is true in this case as well. The young have stamina – the mature have knowledge … a lethal combination that only requires females to develop it instead of hide from it.
With that thought process, I looked at some facts for that might explain why men think one way about sex and women another and here’s what I found:
* Thought Process: During sex, a man is single-minded, while she might be easily distracted wondering about the children, the doors, the noise outside, or other minor things going on around them. … Probably because our attention isn’t being kept.
*Turn-ons: A man needs respect, admiration, to be needed physically. The woman needs understanding, love, to be needed emotionally, and time to warm up to the sexual act.
* Sensitivity: The clitoris has 8,000 nerve fibers, which is twice as many as contained in the penis. As such, it is this area that most helps a woman reach orgasm. … Get this out there!
* Growth: The average vagina is 3 to 4 inches long but can expand by 200% when sexually aroused. A penis, while flaccid, ranges around 2.8 to 3.9 inches and, when erect, grow to 4.7 to 6.3 inches. … 200%? Why does that sound kinda scary?
* Orgasms: For 75% of men, ejaculation occurs within 3 minutes of penetration (2 minutes or less of masturbation.). The average woman can reach orgasm in about 4 minutes through masturbation, while through intercourse, it can take 10 – 20 minutes (only 29% of women always reach orgasm during sex – most need some clitoral stimulation to help them achieve orgasm). … It’s because of those 8,000 nerve fibers, I tell ya!
* Awareness: An overwhelming majority of sexual partners have only skimpy knowledge of what truly turns each other on. … Communications – get some.
* Sex: 41% of men would like to have sex more frequently. Only 29% of women share this urge. … Could it be because it takes so long?
* Size:85% of women are satisfied with their partners’ penis size, but only 55% of men were satisfied with their own. … What can I say that hasn’t been said a thousand times before?
* Daydreaming:Nearly two-thirds of all men and women have fantasized about another person while having sexual intercourse with their current partner. Typically, the one being fantasized about is not someone they will be able to have intercourse with, but it may increase theirs or their partners satisfaction. … How do you think I come up with these ideas for my books?
* Multiple Orgasms:As long as a woman’s aroused (and lubricated), she’s capable of having sex as many times as she wants without a break in between, while a man needs 5 to 30 minutes (depending on age – give or take) following his first orgasm to attain an erection again.
* Oral Sex: Men give as much oral sex to women as women give to men. While the difference is greatest in the 20 to 24-year-old range (55% of men compared to 74% of women), the tables turn as we age. In the 30 to 39 age range, 69% of men, 59% of women.
So … Were some things surprising? Were some unrealisitc?
What do you think?
Life certainly has kept me busy – just too busy to do everything I wanted to do – even still – Grrrr.
I’ve been collecting ideas for posts and deciding where I wanted to head with this blog. I’ve pretty much kept it to BDSM from the beginning … but I’m not all about BDSM – I do enjoy writing romance as much as I enjoy BDSM and, since I’m (still) working on my next release(s) which has no BDSM in it – just a trilogy dealing with some pretty sexy Vikings, I think I need to expand a bit and get into more things than what I’ve kept with – at – to … whatever *smirk*
Just to reassure you, I’m not removing BDSM from my blog, just adding a more rounded view of everything I enjoy when it comes to the things I write! It might just be something quick (nothing wrong with quickies) – something funny – something that makes you think (I truly do like those the most) – or something completely (waaaay) out there but I plan on writing something every week again!
I really enjoy writing for those who are newly discovering BDSM and, because of that, I don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that it’s only about restraints, floggings, and submission. There are many times that life throws in the vanilla aspects too – just as it does for me … so I’m going to be expanding my repertoire!
What a wonderful post last week on Daddy Dominants. It got me to thinking that I need to continue. To show as many facets of BDSM as possible – and to share both sides of the fence. I need to do this actually. I need for you to grow, to understand, to feel the desire to go for something more – no matter if it’s a little scary, a little outside the norm. Why? Because, when you don’t give up or get discouraged and you continue to search for the end of the rainbow, you will find something more precious than a pot of gold – it’s the freedom to believe that anything is possible. No. Not to believe … to experience. To fly.
Reverend Todd spoke from the heart when he shared with us his angst for those too narrow-minded to think outside the box. Today we look at the other side of that Daddy/Lil girl dynamic. Just as Reverend Todd strives to break the paradigms of his standing as a Daddy dominant, those in the position of a little girl fights through their fears. Although I have a few fantasies about having a daddy/lil girl dynamic, it’s not a part of my relationship so I sought out someone who *is*. I’m a huge fan of hers (if you haven’t been able to tell). She speaks candidly with a huge heart and a strong desire to be there for any who need her. … Heck, I’m coming to find out I need her!
Without further adieu, I had the blog over to Lil Lolita.
I agree with all the things that Reverend Todd said about being a Daddy, and what being a good Daddy means.
In short, Daddy is a safe place. The harbor in the hurricane that is sometimes my life. That place that I can go and be free of judgment, anxiety, free of all artifice. I am more myself when we are in that space together.
One thing that might be different in my own personal DD/lg relationship is that, contrary to what is stated above, my Daddy doesn’t ensure my innocence, he destroys it lol.
Our play, when in that space, centers around Daddy teaching/corrupting his little girl. And when I say “his little girl” I do NOT mean a Daddy/daughter dynamic; although most defo ageplayers, we don’t engage in the incestuous aspect that some age players do. I think that even within that microcommunity, there is a huge distinction.
And that is (just) one of the underlying complexities of this dynamic…even those of us who live and play within it struggle to define it for ourselves….the journey through this taboo has been difficult, and involves loads and heaps of soul-searching and introspection and self-doubt and, I’m not going to lie, initially for me it involved lots of shame. I was constantly questioning myself…
Most of my life, I’ve been plagued by these things, these kinks, that I fucking love. I mean LOVE…serious big lust….and I’ve also been racked with guilt about them.
I have reasons, I’m sure we all do. My reasons aren’t relevant at the moment, just accept that they are there.
So about a year ago …totally by accident, we both discover this….thing….this thing that blew our minds and turned us on and excited us and fuck, it was amazing! And it totally screwed me up in the head. Am I really one of THOSE people?!?!?! OMG does this mean I have Daddy issues?!?!? What the fuck is WRONG with me?!?!??! Why do I even WANT this?!?! Why does it turn me on sooooo much?!? What does he think of me that I like this?
You ever had that happen?
Where this thing that feels so good, so absolutely right and natural leaves you wondering if you’re fucked in the head? Like actually clinically nuts? Like you need therapy and like you’re the worst kind of sickness to ever ooze out of the swamp?
It hurts so much.
It’s so confusing.
This thing, I lusted for it. It was all I could think about. I could barely walk straight for being so turned on from it constantly. It was like a drumbeat in my head…..and lower.
It made me happy, it made me giggle and smile and….good lord, I would glow thinking about it. And he liked it too, and assured me that I wasn’t a freak, that I wasn’t alone. He said all the right things, and was perfect.
But still, inside my head….I worried.
I worried and I was self-conscious, and I had heaps of self loathing.
Do you know what that’s like? To want to shower after engaging in something you love because you feel so….vile?
And it’s lonely.
The first person I “came out” to, was horrified, and literally told me that I needed therapy and that my partner was probably a pedophile. That sent me screaming back to square one, CONVINCED I was sick, and that he and I had tapped into some weird mutual mental illness and we were both awful people….then I went to one other person, who I knew also shared this kink, and she was more wonderful than words can say. She saved me I think. It really was her support, coupled with my partners reassurances that we weren’t odd or wrong or “bad” that allowed me to explore this dynamic. It’s because of them that I am so happy today. it’s because of them that I am “out” as an age-player within the kink community, because of them that I am unashamed of it, and of myself. It is because of their support and unconditional love that I was able to create an online group for middles/littles/babygirls and Daddies…a place where we can find and support one another and NOT feel ostracized, even amongst the kink community that supports so many other things yet, out of misinformation, fear and taboo, does a fair job of ostracizing us.
I haven’t been this happy in a really long time
My name is Lil Lolita, I’m 38, and sometimes I like to call him Daddy. Apparently this whole DD/lg thing makes me happy.
Fuck you self loathing. Being his little girl makes me happy. I love when he calls me pet names, and kisses my forehead, and reads to me…I also love it when he says, in that very growly, very “Daddy” voice…..”OK my dirty little girl, cum for Daddy”
I’ve asked Santa for a Lil Lolita for Xmas ~ I think you know why. *grins*
There are so many different types of dominants in BDSM from damn Sadists (can’t seem to say that without the use of ‘damn’ in front of it ~ LOL), Sensual Dominants and Masters, to Primals … and the list goes on.
People tend to attach different meanings to them – sometimes those meanings are spot on, sometimes they are completely off base. Today, we will take a glimpse into the Daddy Dominants and the little girls that love them.
This is not an age factor, simply a grown women relishing the attentions of a father figure who will ensure she remains a good little girl. There are no biological ties of any sort, simply a woman-child who can enjoy the freedom of innocence with a nurturing man to guide and cherish her in whatever style of play they want their relationship to be. And, seriously, what female submissive wouldn’t want to be someones princess?
Now, this is not to say that there is only one way to be anything – each and every dynamic is and should be different – but there are paradigms that need to be broken so I wish to share with you something from a Daddy Dominant, because it explains the frustrations when dealing with those who don’t or wont understand the truth behind a Daddy/girl dynamic in a way that really hits home for me.
Without further ado, I offer you the following from Reverend Todd
On Being A Daddy:
I wish I had a nickel for every time someone, in the BDSM lifestyle mind you, made a comment along the lines of “the Daddy/girl thing is just creepy”. Every time I hear it I want to tell them to fuck off.
I find child molesters abhorrent. Being a Daddy isn’t about some sick child molestation fantasy or disgusting incestuous fantasy. I am a real father and a damn good one. If someone ever mentioned my daughter to me in a sexual way I would likely beat them into a squishy mess.
Being a Daddy is about a building a bond with someone. A bond so deep and so unique that anything less seems like a pale imitation. It is about a sincere desire to help them become the person they want to be.
It is about setting rules and expectations, not to simply punish them for breaking them but because you want them to actually learn something from the rules and expectations.
It is about listening to their aspirations, their hopes, their dreams, their fears, their pain. It is about genuinely caring about all of these.
It is about teaching. It is about being the solid rock that they can cling to when the sea of life is filled with storms.
It is simply about showing them that they are loved, unconditionally. That no matter what rules are broken, no matter what punishments have been delivered, you will always be there to pick them back up and put your arms around them and kiss the tears away.
Thank you Reverend Todd. That was wonderful. I believe that every BDSM dynamic should have such a nurturing relationship. That, no matter what role you play, if you wish for it to succeed, you must want the other to grow, there must be the kind of bond that allows eyes to open, fears to be discussed and worked through, social parameters ingrained to be understood and pushed to the point each feels a certain freedom and a contentment so fulfilling you wish to try more.
Remember my friends: “Seek first to understand then to be understood” ~ Stephen R. Covey
One of the things I enjoy out of the many when it comes to BDSM is protocols. With protocols in place, there is little room for misunderstanding – which leads to less punishments (I hate punishments) but there are times when I have to cock my head to the side when it comes to some of the outlandish protocols I’ve heard about and just knew this was a place to share them! The following is a discussion about this very thing – what others have experienced and the response(s) to it.
Lil Lolita:I was having a conversation with a female D-type once who was talking about how she hosts gatherings/dinner parties for D/s couples etc….and it all sounded absolutely lovely… until she casually mentioned that s-types were not allowed the use of furniture … O.o … I asked a few hesitant questions, like…”why?” And she replied that in her home, it just wasn’t done, that s-types used the floor, and that was pretty much that…she was really lovely about it, but also very matter of fact. She was equally lovely when I said that I found that to be something I couldn’t do, and so if she were ever to invite me, I would have to respectfully decline the invitation. Other folks in the convo seemed to be taken aback [by my response], and said things like “You’d forgo meeting her and going to the event just because of that?” to which I replied that if it were a SMALL issue for me, then no, of course not, I’m largely a fan of “when in Rome…” but for ME, being denied something so basic as the use of a goddamn chair, based on nothing more than how I choose to identify within my relationship…that was not small thing, for ME.
[When it comes to other outlandish protocols] First, I hafta say…Gor makes my eye twitch…I have only found ONE person who identifies as Gor that I can have any sort of conversation with. I will be the first to admit that I have based my opinion of Gor on the behaviors of the Goreans that I’ve seen, not on any first hand experience, or any investigation into it on my part….based on what I’ve seen, I find it ridiculous and mostly I intolerable to be in the presence of.
Also…slash speak….makes me fucking nuts.
Wolf:First off, I want to say to @Lil Lolita: Damn straight. If you expect my s-type to follow your rules, just because the event is in your home, then you may as well forgo inviting me and mine, cause that shit don’t fly. N one tells my s type how to behave except me. F that. I totally applaud you for what you said to her. Now…onto the subject at hand… I have seen some, but they are only outlandish to me, obviously not to the ones involved. Take Gor for instance, I don’t get it, at all. But I’m OK with others into it. It doesn’t hurt me in the least, so why get your ruffles in a bunch? Personally, I’d like a more Orion Slave girl kind of thing, but hey…that’s just me
Mistress Sapio: “Wolf said, If you expect my s-type to follow your rules, just because the event is in your home, then you may as well forgo inviting me and mine, cause that shit don’t fly”. Doesn’t that depend on what my rules are? Of course if you object to my rule about not putting sharp knives into a sink of soapy water but putting them next to the sink instead, you can let me know that, even though I would prefer that your s stay away from my sink at all. I would hope that having compatible rules would be OK.
Wolf:If your rules interfere with how I do things with my s, then I obviously have no business going to your place. The sink thing…that is not in the same category. That is how your do your own house stuff. It doesn’t interfere with me or mine. Also, read my section about etiquette. I’m a freak about that stuff. It drives me bonkers when another person thinks they have the right to tell me how to do things with my s type. I mean, certain things I can handle…but some things, to me, go a bit far.
Don’t get me wrong, they are perfectly entitled to have those rules. Just don’t expect me to show up LOL
Lil Lolita: but some things, to me, go a bit far … agreed…totally. If someone told D what he could or couldn’t do to/with/for me…I think it might get ugly LOL
Wolf:LOL @ Lil Lolita
Mistress Sapio:@Wolf Thanks for clarifying. I somehow missed that “no s on the furniture” thing, which is not a rule at my house. On the flip side, if someone visits me and wants to flog their slave or get a blowjob under the table, they can turn around and go home, because it’s not stuff I want to see, and it’s not sociable. I don’t invite anyone over who would think those things are what they want to do. (Obviously, I do not host play parties, as well as not attending them.)
Wolf:@ Mistress Sapio: I don’t blame you, I’m not much into play parties. I – and I emphasis I – find them rather…unbearable…and kind of icky. Just not my thing.
I want to thank my guests for sharing their views on the protocols that we find in BDSM. Obviously we could go on forever on the ways in which some live their lives or enjoy BDSM but I will save that for another day.I hope you have enjoyed this topic and let me know if you want me to get into certain aspects of protocols or other type of protocols (be specific, if you can)
Sorry I am behind on my weekly posting – gotta love life
I have such wonderful friends in BDSM – whether I’ve met them or not, they really open my eyes to so many aspects/differences of life when dealing with how they live within the realm of BDSM. The following is my friend Zansi’s thought on protocol that works for her and why she uses it with her submissives…
I am big on protocols in my D/s & find it immensely interesting as to how & why others use it in their lives.
First, I agree with the common school of thought that protocols are between you & your sub. To expect others to adhere to my protocols is ridiculous & would be a fast way to alienate myself from others. After all I am my subs Dominant none other so do not push my Dominance in any way. This includes expectations of how people should behave, what D/s is or protocols.
Protocols facilitate bonding. I agree that protocols are personal & often unique to each person. You can establish protocols to be something you do or that is done for you that is done in a unique fashion, this in turn creates intimacy & can give meaning to the most mundane thing.
Protocols can teach awareness of your own actions, gratitude & to live with intention. They can give meaning to the most mundane chores & create appreciation for service.
As mentioned by another dominant protocols set out clear expectations, establish boundaries which help to reduce miscommunication & help with administering fair punishment e.g. Protocol A is clearly set out & established so if it is not followed (given no good explanation) predetermined & discussed punishment may be administered righteously & promptly.
Provide a sense of control, Dominant’s presence & sense of service when the D & s are in absentia. This also helps to maintain a certain level of submission throughout daily life. I find this is particularly important with alpha subs who are very dominant in their daily lives as it allows my sub to kneel (my term for coming to a submissive state) faster than if these protocols were not in place.
In the same vein as the last point; Protocols allow a submissive to enter into sub state faster for e.g. I have a play room & when my sub enters it he/she goes through a particular routine designed to bring them to their submissive state efficiently. An example remove keys, wallet & belts, then their clothes, shoes, underwear in a particular order & then placed in a particular spot. They then kneel in a certain position & in a certain spot. It sounds very elaborate & it can be but the end result creates the desired state of mind & lends comfort & security through familiarity as well as creating a sense of anticipation for the events to come.
Are a great tool for installing new behaviors or modifying unhealthy habits or dysfunctional behavior. This is quite a complicated aspect of protocols & can be controversial so I just want to touch on it brief as a mention. Of course this is based on consent etc.
Protocols provide a framework to guide individuals when needed e.g. in the event that I am not present you are to do the following etc.
I see many Dominants discussing what protocols bring to their subs/slaves etc, but very few talking about what protocol brings to the Dominant. Of course, I can only speak to my own experience but I enjoy protocol for many reasons. These are…
Sense of control. My influence is felt through the various areas of my sub’s life. It is really only limited by hard limits & how much control your sub allows you & what areas are given or not given to you as the Dominant to control.
It allows for creative expression. Not all protocols need be elaborate nor based around mundane chores e.g. I may ask my submissive to dance a jig every time they enter my play room. They can be fun, refreshing & uplifting.
Protocols allow application of discipline without guilt & helps to eliminate feelings of injustice or unfair treatment.
All of the initially mentioned points 1-7 all have mutually beneficial outcomes for the Dominant.
Some points to consider when establishing protocols. Many Dominants set themselves & their subs/slaves up for failure by trying to initiate protocols which are too elaborate, unrealistic, unachievable, or which do not sit congruently with the values & beliefs of the s. Trying to establish protocols which are not in the nature of the sub can be done but it is very intensive & I believe strays into the field of brain washing which I am not a fan of by any means.
I myself am guided by the nature of the submissive as to how many, what, when & how elaborate the protocols are. Often when given security, space & support the sub’s own desire for service & they themselves will naturally establish the protocols of their own accord. This was certainly my experience as a sub/slave.
Oh, that reminds me, protocols bring about a sense of security. Very helpful for a fearful e.g. one with social anxiety or insecure sub in poly dynamics etc.
Protocols serve as a reminder to the commitment of being in a 24/7 D/s dynamic. In the same way as there are protocols around almost everything I do as a nurse, there are also protocols around nearly every aspect of D/s.
Whether self-imposed or directed most folks have some protocols many of which are often ingrained into our way of being that they are practiced unconsciously.
Protocols are not limited within a dynamic or relationship but are also practiced by individuals e.g. I have many screening protocols which I follow when interviewing subs etc.
I love this, Zansi. Thank you for allowing me to share this with all who reads it. This also makes me wonder about others and how protocols are placed in their dynamic, how their protocols or others affect those around them so stay tuned as I delve into this further
Today I bring you the comments that were made from Lil Lolita’s musings concerning corner time as punishment. I hope you enjoy the differences of opinions when it comes to how people think about the various aspects of BDSM. In this segment, Lil Lolita, after her conflicting thoughts on corner time as a disciplinary action, asks the following question: Does anyone else feel like this when they get sent or am I just a weirder bird than I thought?
fluffy bunny:Having had to deal with being sent to the corner, i can say it did not give me a sexual thrill. This is because it instead gave me a spiritual kick in the pants. Every time i was sent to the proverbial corner, i always spent my time thinking. Pouting, fuming, raging, i never stomped feet but i did dance around restlessly. It drove me nuts, it drove me deeper into my own head, where the answers are, and the longer time it took the better i came out of it
Narcissus:Actions designed to enhance submission, on the other hand, can fall into both the category of conditioning and “funishment”. They can happen “just because”, or even as a reward, and can have a very strong positive effect on the sub/slave. Again, the specifics depend on the person – corner time, bare bottomed sitting, or writing lines or an essay (“just because I told you to”, can make a sub feel very humbled and controlled.
Spankster:I would postulate that your subbie “he’s totally showing me who’s the boss” radar is going off when he finally puts down his foot and sends you to the corner. I also imagine he might just use that time while your back is turned to create some of that juicy anticipation in your head while you wait to be released..? A good Dom knows that there is nothing we can actually do to you that will rival what you do inside your own head, so setting your mind off to the races is a good skill to use… If it hasn’t occurred to him yet, you can have your dominant thank me later. bows
BriteBlue:Corner time. One of my least favorite things. I see it as a punishment…it makes me feel childish…it’s boring…but mostly it makes me go back into my head. A punishment spanking can bring me to lots of tears, but it also takes me out of my head…there are no thoughts going on, just the physical experience. But standing in a corner, having to think about why I am there, staring at the wall, trying not to fidget…yuck! As @Narcissus says above though…it does reinforce my feelings of submission.
Kinkster:I’ve had corner time before but it’s never a good thing for me. It upsets me and the last time my dom did it, I ended up in tears. It made me feel horrible about myself and my self-esteem is already shot so that didn’t help.
Lil Lolita:@Kinky – Oh I cry too. This is why it’s so confounding for me! I hate it. I want it. I DONT want it. It excites me. It mortifies me ….and I’m not into humiliation But at the same time…if i think about him grabbing my the hair and putting me there? RAWRRR But im still going to hate it, love it, cry about it, be embarrassed and want it my head seriously is trying to kill me.
Kinkster:@Lil Lolita: By contrast, I don’t want it and it doesn’t excite me either. It simply makes me feel like a rotten human being and that’s not something I enjoy experiencing.
Piscean sub: I have never, ever had corner time, yet reading these responses to the post I can’t decide if I’m lucky or missing out.
Lil Lolita:@ Piscean – A little of both? heheh. it’s just weird for me…I hate it…but it works for me. If I’m put there, it does work to get me to calm the fuck down and actually think about whatever it is that got me there in the first place…despite myself. I hate it, ill resist it, I’ll say mean things about why I’m there and why I shouldn’t be there (which, ironically, only goes to further proof of why I AM there LOL).
I never really realized until Jennifer’s thread how brain twisty this is for me
KayDee:Lil Lolita: I’m going with it shows you that your dominant is the boss and it gives you a time out chance to keep things from further escalating. I totally get the I don’t look to get punished but it is exciting and fans self all that other stuff when it happens. At one point I told my Master that I enjoy the punishments because it shows me that he cares enough to correct me and not give up (which again I don’t do things that get me punished on purpose). Again it’s all about having Master affirm that he’s in charge. Then again maybe it’s also just about that TONE faints (you know the one you don’t want to hear yet it makes you all wiggly)
Thank you for following this tale – I hope to conclude with an update from Lil Lolita and how she and her dominant have taken this epiphany of hers concerning this type of discipline.
A few weeks ago, I started a conversation about the types of punishments doled out that did not involve physical pain and there was a terrific discussion from all parties (dominants, submissives, switches, etc). From that topic, another came about that I’ve been working on for this blog that Lil Lolita began. This will be a 2 or 3-part blog where we start with Lil Lolita’s thoughts on corner time and what it makes her feel and next week the discussion that came from that and ending with where Lil Lolita and her dominant are now since discovering her feelings about corner time.
Take it away Lil Lolita
The topic by Jennifer about punishment, and the responses that were posted, got me thinking about things…specifically corner time.
Corner time was mentioned several times in that discussion, and all the different ways people enforce, practice, and handle corner time. So I’m reading along and as usually happens…I get thinking lol
I like corner time. But I don’t like it in a “funishment” kind of way…I’m not really sure WHAT the way I like it is, so I thought Id make a thread about it and see is my smarty pants nest mates here could help me shine some light into my own head >.<
We generally don’t “do” punishment. It’s a difficult, tricky, mostly mind fuck-ish thing for me. But we’ve done “corner time” before. It’s usually when I’m being argumentative or something of that nature.
I fucking HATE it, because its punishment. It’s humiliating because children get corner time, and I’m not a child. However, being sent to the corner makes me fume, and I’ve been known to stomp a foot, and I most DEFO pout and get all “angry eyes” and shit (yes, I know, shut up lol). But…even when all that is going on…even when I’m hating it….
It thrills me.
I was going to type “I love it”, but I don’t. I was then going to type “I get off on it”, and even though it does kinda make me a lil hot, that’s not it either…
It just…thrills me.
I get the butterflies, I get all “anticipate-y” and I want to know what’s going to happen next…his “stern voice” makes me all…scared AND breathless. I just get very….idk…heightened?
And I don’t think its “funishment” because I only have been sent there when he’s really had enough…and he sends me there to “have a think” (and holy Christ, could I use quotes MORE? ughhh). And it’s very … it’s kinda dangerous feeling actually. And even though it makes me feel all these interesting things…I have NEVER deliberately provoked it…because it’s also equally uncomfortable for me.
But…I also feel like it’s the dynamic in play…. it’s like…shit, I’m not sure what it’s like.
I hope you love the emotional conflict Lil Lolita is going through when it comes to this punishment. It shows how deep something as simple as this can put a submissive. Please comment with your own thoughts – next week, we shall see what responses others had in their own thoughts as well in why Lil Lolita felt this way.
I always find the thought processes of women amazing when it comes to sex – especially from those who are single and in their late 30s and up and, because it was on my mind, I thought to put the subject in my blog …
Remember; there is an exception to every rule (I know, I am one of those).
I write romance books with explicit sex scenes.
I find those scenes the hardest to write BTW & doubt I am alone. Why is it hard? How many ways can one right about different words for ‘cock’ and ‘pussy’? Different positions? Now add the fact that I have written half a dozen books with other stories clamoring around in my head for the secondary characters and it gets exhausting trying to remember all the different ways I’ve …. ermmm …. The different ways one can have sex *cheeky grin*
I believe sex is a huge part of the connection between the main characters either in real life or in print because that’s when a woman gets seriously involved with the man – giving our body is the biggest commitment some of us can make. I blame it on generations of societal constraints on what is acceptable expectations for men and women and how women have a difficult time breaking from those because of the fear of labels like slut. A serious eye roll for me but not so for others. Times are changing, just not near fast enough.
Along with that is the fact that women delve into relationships with emotions – far more than most men. Women aren’t always set up to have sex for the enjoyment of it. We give a huge piece of our heart while guys are only using their [small] head. I’m not saying men don’t have emotions or that those emotions aren’t involved while in a relationship – they just (IMNSHO) aren’t like women’s – probably not even close. Romance books give that emotional tie to a man which might not be found right away in real life – not that it isn’t there, it’s just that they display it so differently that we, as women, might not see it for what it is. Sex brings about the insecurities women (and sometimes men) fight through and how that process is worked out – hopefully for the good (that is the kind I write and enjoy reading. We want happily-ever-afters in our books to combat the problems we deal with in reality – kinda like an extended Calgon moment ).
Although I don’t consider myself a normal woman (I’ve sown major oats and had more of the same mindset as a man: enjoy the sex until the challenge is gone), I understand the emotional involvement. While I gave my heart with my one-night stands as much as my longer relationships – I was able to grab it and all the pieces when it was time to go.
Many men love control – even when the woman is on top. They feel that control when a woman is enjoying themselves – it’s as much a turn on for them and it is for us … hopefully. If not then it’s just a romp in the sack to relieve tension.
Once those endorphins are released, men feel relaxed and satisfied – women might as well, but they are also likely to feel an emotional connection. Those can be two very different things and neither can wrap themselves around the fact the other feels … differently.
After sex – not always right after – might be when the man leaves – fears might set in. The woman can be feeling one or more gut twisting emotions (sorry, I can’t list them all): ‘Was I good enough?’ ‘Did he enjoy it?’ ‘Was I better than the others?’ ‘This should make our relationship better now’.
Men, even when they have emotions involved, are more basic. ‘That was good – wonder if I can get a second helping before I have to go to work?’ Their main concern is if you want to cuddle as they drift off to sleep and then they worry about being in an uncomfortable position but they need to keep you happy.
Oh, c’mon – I find that funnier than hell!
I am, by no means, saying I am 100% accurate, I am just showing the two sides of the same coin called ‘Sex’ when it comes to humans.
Anyway, there is so much to the mindset of a sexual relationship and, when sex becomes a part of a relationship and clearly defined expectations are ignored for an enjoyable time, things get complicated. It’s probably why there are so many books written on the subject as well as the differences between women and men.
Thank you for bearing with me as I share with you the final stages of a discussion between many positions within the BDSM community when covering non-painful (physical) punishment. If you missed the beginning and last posts, please read Part 1 and Part 2 to help you better understand the following conversation.
We continue …
Tiggy:Communication is really important. I’d rather endure a seriously stern lecture, or even get yelled at than be ignored. I think generally the argument of punishment vs funishment is that there are subs (brats) that will purposely misbehave to earn attentions (lecture, yelling,) so the way to deter that is to give them the exact opposite — withhold any attention. BTW, there are also people who find brats endearing and bratting is an intended part of their dynamic. Others find that to be a ‘threat’ to the legitimacy of the top/dom’s power because essentially the brat is driving the relationship and is controlling the dom through purposely provoking punishments for fun. (aka topping from the bottom.
I think there’s also the issue of punishment as an exercise of power over another human with clear disciplinary goal, vs someone lacking self discipline and acting passive-aggressive to protect hurt feelings or retaliate with silent treatment. Then there are the truly maladaptive people who habitually withdraw from people as soon as they don’t get what they want as part of their coping strategy.
miss tether: Remember that lack of communication isn’t necessarily the same as ignoring someone. It can be quite thoroughly communicated. Just being passive-aggressively silent and refusing to acknowledge someone for spite, yes, that’s shitty. But “I’m going to give you an opportunity to take a good hard look at how you’d feel if I weren’t available” was a reality check that worked damn fast for me.
Withholding affection also isn’t the same as withholding love, nor is it the counterpart to using love to “buy” obedience. Expressions of love are just that, expressions. Not engaging in them doesn’t mean the love isn’t there. Just that sometimes, for some people, the best kind of love is tough love.
Teacher:Punishment should be instructive – if you like pain what is a punishment going to teach you – nothing – the punishment should fit the submissive and the crime (for lack of a better term) – and a little ‘time out’ if what they need most is attention will teach them what they did is wrong.
You just make sure they know that this IS the punishment – and the most important thing is that AFTER the punishment is over they know you still care and adore.
Mr Kinkster: @ Teacher: It’s a common mistake to believe that “liking pain” means liking all pain. Anyone who has ever played with a masochist knows that’s not true – it takes a certain amount of skill, in fact, to keep pain within a masochist’s erotic “sweet spot.” The wrong type of pain, or even the right type if it’s too intense, will quickly become not-fun-pain. So the idea that one cannot punish a masochist with pain is mostly a myth. It’s certainly preferable to a form of “punishment” that the masochist describes as “super shitty,” or otherwise indicates that it’s more likely to make her angry or panicked than it is to teach her anything.
Tiggy:@Mr Kinkster, *it’s a common mistake to believe that “liking pain” means liking all pain*. I know you said that as a response to Teacher, I just want to acknowledge I agree with that. Anyone who has ever played with a masochist knows that’s not true – it takes a certain amount of skill, in fact, to keep pain within a masochist’s erotic “sweet spot.” The wrong type of pain, or even the right type if it’s too intense, will quickly become not-fun-pain.
As someone with some degree of masochistic nature, I can enjoy or abhor the same pain inflicted the same way on the same body part with everything being equal, except context. For me, it’s more a matter of whether something is taken seriously as punishment with a true sense of remorse, vs taking it defiantly or enthusiastically as play. Even the non-fun kind of pain can be taken recreationaly as a challenge or an adventure when I’m not in the head-space for remorse and punishment.
So the idea that one cannot punish a masochist with pain is mostly a myth. It’s certainly preferable to a form of “punishment” that the masochist describes as “super shitty,” or otherwise indicates that it’s more likely to make her angry or panicked than it is to teach her anything.
IMO choosing something that is particularly disliked/ feared, but not listed as a hard limit, is perfectly valid as punishment (or funishment). Inflicting vulnerability and loss of control of their composure is a large part of what I enjoy. So making them angry/panicky is not undesirable, off limit, or detrimental to behavioral modification. Especially if we were to rule out physical pain, then it makes sense to explore all available mental power play at our disposal and not dismiss something simply because the bottom fears it.
Mr Kinkster:@Tiggy There’s anger and anger. Reducing a sub to angry tears is very different from making her want to pack her bags and leave, or making her hate you.
This is what I and several others have been trying to get across with regard to “the silent treatment,” and we’re having mixed success. People keep reacting with various versions of “If you don’t like it then that’s what punishment is all about.”
It’s just as mistaken to think that all “dislikes” are equal as it is to think that liking pain means liking all pain. The lesson several of us are trying to convey is that the silent treatment is a good way to say goodbye to one’s submissive, particularly if she says “I really, really hate that” and one responds with “Good! You’re supposed to!” instead of hearing what she’s really saying.
Tiggy:If it’s a deal breaker isn’t it the sub’s responsibility to list it as a hard limit?
If it’s not a hard limit and mental power play is part of the negotiated dynamic, then how is this one ‘fetish’ any different from any other fetishes?
I really do get it that it doesn’t work for some people and it’s a deal breaker for some, but it can still be part of the intended play for others, can’t it?
Mr Kinkster:*If it’s a deal breaker isn’t it the sub’s responsibility to list it as a hard limit?* Maybe. But how many people really think to list “treating me really, really badly” as a hard limit? If that’s how she thinks of it then she may never even bring it into the realm of negotiation. Even Doms often don’t think of it as punishment. It’s just “What I do when I get angry.” So it never even comes up in negotiation. It just happens, then it blows up. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen.
I really do get it that it doesn’t work for some people and it’s a deal breaker for some, but it can still be part of the intended play for others – can’t it? Sure it can. But some people on this thread are talking about non-painful punishment as though it’s not a big deal as long as it doesn’t hurt. My point is that it can be a very big deal, and that one punishment in particular is dynamite. At the very least, it should be explicitly negotiated as a legitimate part of discipline in that relationship.
Tiggy:So you’re just objecting to using it as a dysfunctional non-communication knee jerk, as opposed to a planned, negotiated part of a scene that may or may not include pre-scene negotiation, briefing, post scene aftercare, debriefing, right? I didn’t think anyone was promoting it with a blasé attitude, I think a lot of what we play with mimics abuse anyway. To me, playing with things that are otherwise dysfunctional and harmful in non-consensual context can be extremely empowering.
Mr Kinkster:*… you’re just objecting to using it as a .. knee jerk, as opposed to a planned, … debriefing, right?* Almost. I think that anything except the negotiated and planned version is an invitation to disaster. Many people do use it reflexively, but many people use it on purpose too, thinking that it’s effective (and the more so if it’s greatly disliked). They underestimate its impact. *To me, playing … can be extremely empowering* It can be. But just as much as physical play, the more non-physical play resembles something dysfunctional and abusive, the more care and experience it takes to use it safely. I’m saying that I would no more toss the silent treatment out casually in a thread like this than I would do so with rape play or suspension bondage.
Tiggy:I think we’re on the same page then. I don’t think anything listed here should be taken for granted anyway. It doesn’t matter if you are an active participant in the scene, abusive things done non-consentually is still abusive, even when you are a ‘Master’ or an ‘owner.’
I think Jennifer is also spot on when she says people have this presumption that BDSM is all about pain. I think this is partly why people get uncomfortable as soon as we start suggesting strategies that are not pain based, such as ignoring the sub, or emotional/ mental pain, such as fear play (waterboarding.)
Me:Thank you, Tiggy. As soon as I was asked to hear more about punishments that weren’t painful, I began thinking about just how important it was to get this information ‘out there’. I hope I succeeded in opening eyes for those who are interested, made those who write about it, more aware, and allowed others to see that those who enjoy BDSM aren’t serial killers, irrational human beings, or unintelligent people … we come from all walks of life and have differences of opinions ~ I am just sad I couldn’t put the conversation in its entirety here.
For those who read Part 1, welcome back. For those who are just now looking at this topic, I invite you to read Part 1 and apologize now ~ Yer in for a long read.
The subject was so involved, I am unable to lower the blog content to a short read without loosing valuable content and encourage you to read as much as you can then return when you have more time to finish it off
We are following a discussion on non-painful forms of punishments and I enjoy the exchange going on but did not want to take away from a suggestion that might have gotten lost in the discussion. It comes from a submissive I named “nichole”:
“Write your name on the bottom of your subs feet and tell them they are walking all over you with every step they take… Then watch them get around on their hands and knees for the evening….”
We continue …
Master Flint: A good mind fuck or two is effective. Like tie them down and blindfold them, then tell them you have a candle and will pour hot wax on them. Then you take good warm water and pour it on them instead. Or touch them with something not even hot. Many of the others here have worked well too. Still, perhaps the worst of all is no communication between Dom and sub for even a day or two, this is terrifying to many subs. I use only as a last resort because it can have devastating effects on a sub’s psyche if not done with some forethought first.
fluffybunny: I despise the silent treatment. I cannot handle that – I go insane. ~Insane ~ Insane. Anyway. Punishments such as being expected to make up for the error, coming up with your own punishments, coming up with your own preparations [as the sub], is difficult and definitely works for me. Humiliation is also a difficult but effective one. i start thinking terrible things, and then there is no more power exchange, because i have taken it all back into my head. But other people think and feel and react differently than i do, and sometimes it’s not a punishment but rather a time to separate oneself from the situation and calm down. … Although i feel that would be best expressed and understood between partners before carried out.
Mr. Kinkster: @fluffybunny Yes, I see a HUGE difference between the silent treatment and a time out.
I think that it’s easier to see in the relationship when the partners live together than when it’s long distance. It’s easier to understand “I need some time before we talk about this again” when the person retires to his office but you can still see him than when he disappears offline and your mind creates all sorts of scenarios.
fluffybunny: That makes it a ton easier, yes @Mr Kinkster – but I think that even in LDR one can discuss it ‘”When I’m angry, I’m not gonna wanna talk to you until I have worked it out“. For me, it’s just that easy.
I learned it the hard way, with a lot of tears at night and wondering, my brain on overdrive saying that he’s never going to speak to me again, before I realized. I think that if you can avoid those tearful nights, you should.
Sir Dom: @fluffybunny, that’s why I said that not every person/relationship is the same,but if a Dominant is using silence, disappearance, etc, that is emotional blackmail. A Dominant needs confidence and faith in themselves. First and foremost, playing childish games to make a sub think , “what if He/She leaves me” is not the mark of emotional maturity. And, as a Dom, I am concerned. For a Dominant to use not speaking/communicating as a means of punishment rather than some form of psycho/sexual technique fully understood and appreciated by the victim is something that puts me on guard. How does a Dom and their sub come to grips with a breakdown in the relationship when there is no communication? I just can’t get behind anything that erodes feedback or makes the sub feel rejected. Not unless it is part of the dynamic, but that is a different thing. Scolding/yelling can take place, but only if it is for a specific purpose, ie, to force a sub to stand up for her/him self. Making a sub sit bare bottomed on a hard wooden or cold metal chair to remind them of the spanking to come all makes sense, but the silent treatment or withholding sex sounds more like a pouting child than a Dominant.
miss tether: Ignoring me was never such a huge deal that it actually damaged me. It was pretty horrible to go through, but that was the point. It was a reality check: “You don’t want to do what I say? Fine, here’s how you’d feel if I weren’t around anymore.” It put things in perspective. I had to realize what I would be missing without him.
Admittedly, it wasn’t “no contact for two days” or him disappearing from the face of the earth. I would worry too much if I didn’t hear from him. Basically, I just had to sit there while he read a book or such all evening, not glancing in my direction, as if I weren’t in the room. As if I didn’t exist. But I didn’t feel that my existence was negated – only that I really, really wanted to be back in his good graces.
Master Flint: One more thing; Never, ever enforce punishment when you are angry and pissed off at someone. Take a minute try to relax, take a deep breath, and maybe walk away for a few minutes, then come back and do what is necessary. And I agree with: *always make it about the action that is the bad thing, and you still care for them but not their actions*. Newbie’s might not get it the first or second or even the third time, So a lot of patience is needed when training and guiding someone new thru the many aspects of this lifestyle. I myself enjoy watching the transformation from a scared newbie to a secure well rounded submissive or slave. After all the trials and tribulations that took place to get someone worthy of being called a slave or submissive is very gratifying indeed to see what they have become.
miss tether: There’s often a distinction made between “funishment” and punishment – “oooh, you’ve been bad, you need a spanking!” vs. “You’ve seriously disappointed me and it must not happen again.” Punishment in our dynamic was always reinforced after discussing what went wrong. I knew his thoughts, he knew my thoughts, now let’s wrap this up in a way we’ll never forget or want to revisit.
I also don’t think being angry and not talking is the same as instituting a punishment in which you’re not talking. One’s a reaction, one’s an action. I definitely think that everyone should be fully aware that this IS a punishment, a form of correction or discipline, and that once it’s over, it’s over. For us, it was not about being petty or holding a grudge or making someone miserable for the joy of it. It was about both of us participating in something that wasn’t pleasant for either of us, in order to purge the negative feelings and clear the air.
Mr. Switch: First, let’s make a distinction between actions that are designed to deter a behavior, and actions that are designed to enhance a feeling of submission. Actions that are designed to deter a behavior should be something that the s-type does not like and never will like, and is somehow related to the behavior to be avoided. This is a key element in conditioning. (Rewards for good behavior, clear communication about expectations, and consistency are other key elements). The specifics of this depend on the S-type. “Punishment” of this type should be rare. The reason for that is that real punishment should be a deterrent, and if the sub/slave is actually getting needs fed though that activity, the specific behavior will only get worse. However, I agree with others that withdrawal of affection or a prolonged silent treatment is something I would put into the category of potentially emotionally damaging (as well as very unimaginative), and would strongly recommend against it. Actions designed to enhance submission, on the other hand, can fall into both the category of conditioning and “funishment”. They can happen “just because”, or even as a reward, and can have a very strong positive effect on the sub/slave. Again, the specifics depend on the person – corner time, bare bottomed sitting, or writing lines or an essay (“just because I told you to”, can make a sub feel very humbled and controlled.
I hope you enjoy this discussion as much as I did and, perhaps, find it eye-opening. Please, come back next week for the LONG conclusion to this discussion
“Wait? BDSM isn’t all about pain? C’mon, I know enough about BDSM to know that whips and crops ain’t gonna tickle so where’s that bridge you wanted to sell me?”
It’s true. No, not that whips and crops will tickle ~ although I would bet there are some folks out there who actually think this! But that there are ways in which a submissive can be reminded of her place when she took a wrong step without using pain as an incentive.
Actually, I kinda think the non-painful ones are, in many ways, worse.
With that in mind, I asked a group of people (Dominants, Masters, kinksters, slave, switches, submissives, etc) to discuss what forms of punishments there were that were physically non-painful. The discussion that followed alternately thrilled me (it went beyond my expectations) and worried me (how was I going to narrow 9,000 + words down to a 500 word blog??). I admit now, I failed in achieving the latter (I’m trying to keep it to 1,000 words) because the discussions – the reactions and emotions – to some of these just have to be told in order for reality to be understood by those who have little or no experience with the real world BDSM.
With no further ado, welcome to the discussion (names have been changed to protect the inno ….. innoce …….. to protect them) …
miss tether: Being ignored was the absolute worst. HORRIBLE. A close second: Being made to read a chapter of “50 Shades of Grey” ~ or any other book your sub would hate. He actually sat there and watched my eyes move to make sure I was reading and not just staring at the page.
belle: One thing that anyone i’ve been involved with will agree on is this: No one can beat me up better than me and knowing i’ve disappointed him? The most brutal punishment of all.
Sir Talon: It depends on the sub. With some, being forced to go out in public without underwear would be a punishment, while with others, being made to wear underwear at all, would produce the same effect. One girl I played with, simply not allowing her to swallow my cum would be punishment enough to make her cry, while I’m sure others out there might consider swallowing to be a punishment.
Mr. Mover: It would also depend on the length and severity of the punishment. No affectionate touching. No hand holding. The “I don’t know you” treatment. If the person is a service sub, then the “I’ll do it myself” can be traumatic.
miss imp: @ Mr. Mover ~ The “I’ll do it myself” can be traumatic. Yes, that would be most devastating to me. Also, even for a person who loves writing, certain tasks can be punitive, such as writing about a transgression and everything surrounding it–feelings, motivations, ideas for atonement, etc.
lil lolita: I’m a firm believer that the withdrawal of affection should NEVER be used as punishment. The antithesis of that indicates that love is a reward for preferred behavior and therefore conditional, which doesn’t work for me but that only applies to my specific dynamic. I don’t think I’m capable of submitting to someone I don’t love, because for me, D/s is about love and sex (and a HOST of other things, but I operate from the love bond base so….). Related to that, and especially if the couples in question are either online or not living together, deliberate absence would be, for me, a deal breaker. Horrible, traumatic mind fuck for me. Time outs, while both parties cool off and with a set day/time to come back together? Yeah, totally…but that seems more like a coping strategy than a punishment. Anyway, I say there’s also corner time, early bedtime, and restricted activity, like being “grounded”.
Mr. Mover: I think the point to stress is that it was the action you punishing and NOT the person. “It’s what you did, not who you are” that deserves the punishment. “I still love you, but I don’t necessarily like you right now” idea. I do agree with Lil Lolita; Withholding affection would be just as painful for me.
Mr. Kinkster: First, be aware that non-painful punishments may impact your sub far more than you expect. For example the “silent treatment” is an absolute red limit for many subs I know. I’ve seen it end relationships. Talk to your sub about these just as you would with any other punishments, and watch out for landmines. With that said, some possibilities include….
writing lines (e.g. Copying pages from a dictionary or writing “I will not be disrespectful” 500 times)
washing the sub’s mouth out with soap
public embarrassment, such as forcing a shy sub to go without panties and/or bra in public
stress positions, such as standing on tiptoe, holding a penny against a wall with his or her nose
tickling – it is not painful, but many subs absolutely hate it.
Sir Spell: Have them wear a butt plug to go shopping in. Reveal themselves slightly in public maybe a nip slip or twat flash seemingly inconspicuously. Hobble them and make them clean house, write a report, clean the toilet with a toothbrush, walk around on hands and knees. I have a bunch more but kinda sleepy remind me and I will post more if needed
may_i: I have issues with those who show sexual parts in the vanilla world or do things that make us look like some kind of sickos. I about died when I was with a girlfriend and her Master in a quick shop store and she was ordered to lift up her blouse to show that she was wearing no bra. He obviously did not care who was in the store. I TOLD him, immediately, that it would be fine to take me home rather than have me tell him how much I disapprove of this type of action being done in public. Later, his girl (my friend) told me that we would not be able to go out any more as I disrespected him by suggesting that I had any issue with what he was doing and to say it in front of his girl. I still have problems with self-important people who don’t give a rats ass about the people around them because they need to be an exhibitionist around people who did not consent.
I know, I know – you want to hear more (OMG, I hope you do!) and I have more so would love to go on, but we all only have so much time to read ~ We will continue with this conversation as I try to whittle it down to a decent read without eating up too much of your time!
So, please, join me through this amazing conversation next Monday!
There were a lot of responses to Master X’s post but the one that stands out to me is the following:
I would like to answer your questions as well as comment on your overall remarks. First, I must say I applaud the well thought out posting and comments you made.
You will find from my specific answers below that I am not “afraid” as you state to ask for more. In fact, I am quite unafraid in my relationship of asking for the moon. It is the first thing Master taught me; I do not get unless I ask – he does not read minds.
I think there are three basic issues involved in this type of situation.
The first is as you identified the submissive is not comfortable asking for things and to me this relates to two issues stemming directly from the dominants. The second is the sense that the request will not be well received due to accusations of topping from the bottom. The third is it may not be well received due to the potential guilt of making a request of him.
It has been expressed to me by the new and experienced that submissives, when negotiating new dynamics, are accused of not being “submissive” enough when they make requests, set limits, and state needs or wants. This is also spun into “topping from the bottom” if they express they did not like this activity or this activity was negatively painful. Or even specific expression of discomfort “you have hit me there fifteen times can you please move over an inch Sir?” Where in my current relationship all of the above would be seen as clear communication others have been taught that is topping behavior. For me that is nonsense brought on by insecurity on the behalf of the dominant but it is affecting the mental security of the submissive.
In any relationship, a person should feel safe in communicating a want or need. In ours, I recognize that my communication of said want or need does not mean I receive it. It means that Master is listening.
In regards to the guilt, I believe that it stems back to so many submissive’s being caregivers. They never accept for themselves. These are often the submissive’s who are challenged by the very idea that their dominant would care for them while they are sick. Their submissions does not become void due to illness or stress or because they cannot currently physically express it by giving “care”. This type of person tends to be more altruistic and feel it is not about them. I freely admit this is not me. It is not about me, me, me (as I will express more momentarily) however, Master has ownership of all of me and that includes my flaws, my needs, and my wants. Another point he solidly drove home in the beginning. By withholding not only am I guaranteeing that I will not receive but I am lying to him by omission. Lies are not tolerated. I would feel far guiltier doing this action (withholding) than by expressing a want or need to him per instruction.
Another issue is if the dominant does not respond as expected the submissive does not feel heard. This is something also seen in vanilla marriages where the wife says I feel pissed at the world and need comfort. The husband being sweet brings her tea but what she wanted was a hug. She gets pissed.
So often when a submissive expresses they need more “control” that is all they state. They do not express in what form, what their hoped for outcome is, or what would make them feel that. Just do it. I think that ties back to the guilt issue and the topping from the bottom issue. The trouble with that is more control can mean so many things. For me I can think of ways he could take more control that are actually counter to my needs at this time. To use myself as an example I have a busy work schedule, school schedule, the child, and two houses. Having him require me to call him every hour to check in would deeply interfere with my schedule and complicate matters. Having him instruct me to create a schedule and stick with it while checking in on it regularly is control that is useful.
What does: I need you to take more control mean? To him? To her? What does I need you to be stricter mean? Does it mean more rules? Does it mean follow up on the existing ones? There is an expected response that the submissive seeks to elicit but despite “talking” she is not communicating.
A third issue is the “me me me” which is ironic. We hear how wrapped up in guilt the submissive is, how fearful of topping from the bottom they are but in the end they want Burger King. Take your example in regards to punishment. A submissive asks to be “punished” to repent for her transgressions. So the dominant says fine go write on why swearing is unladylike and present it to me or why you repeatedly violated this rule. Something that approaches the why of the issue versus glossing over it with relief of guilt. The submissive then flounces online and says, “he won’t punish me the way I NEED him to so I feel his control.” The truth is (as unkind as this may seem) he is punishing her in the way he feels is correct, he is also seeing that she is not following this rule, getting spanked, then breaking it again. He is breaking a cycle. Or any number of things but because he didn’t do it HER way he is not fulfilling needs.
One of the threads you linked discussed not getting your needs met after you communicate them. I was a lone voice saying it’s not all about you. I can express until the end of time I need Vosges chocolates but he isn’t driving to Chicago to get them. I can also express that I need more sex, play, dominance etc but if he is currently physically unable or emotionally unwilling? What is my expectation then? That he must change his mind to fulfill these perceived needs?
I keep thinking of my divorce as I read these discussions. I came to him begging for pain play as I approached the trial date. I wanted the pain to take the emotional pain away. I had to that point run away from emotional pain my whole life. He forced me to sit down and talk about it, to cry, to write it out and express the hurt. It was one of the most valuable things in the world to me. It gave me a clear head to face the trial and helped me to feel closure. I doubt pain play would have done that. He gave me what I so deeply needed and not what I wanted.
Often in times of stress which is where the urgency is the dominant is feeling it as well if they are 24/7 partners. So, what I see is the submissive saying I am feeling stressed by life I need you to be more controlling. Whereas the dominant is thinking I am stressed by life as well and do not want to add more to my plate. But, right there, he is not fulfilling her needs according to most. He should get over himself and take care of her needs.
Finally another item I see time and time again is “I keep acting out to get more attention so he will give me more rules to follow and be stricter then I will be good when he makes me.” I applaud every single dominant who refuses to play that game. Why should a dominant create more work for himself when it is clear that she is not holding up her end of the bargain as it is. If she cannot follow five rules how will having fifteen improve the issue?
I am not insulting submissive’s on any level. Virtually everything here I described I have done myself and grown beyond with Master. The fact of the matter is I do not feel guilty for having needs or wants, I am not topping from the bottom by expressing them. I am doing precisely as is required of me. He should not need to tell me again and again that my instructions are to express myself. Does he need to tell me time and again to shave or call him Sir? Why should this order be different? I do feel that as often happens submissive’s get incredibly wrapped up in their perceptions. Sometimes they need to step outside of that and truly communicate.
Finally your questions….
On a scale of one to ten. How serious a problem do you think this is?
I think in my relationship it is a two but in many others closer to a ten.
How do you as a sub feel about asking for more?
I feel secure in doing so in this relationship. I know that I will not be judged for my wants or needs.
Why don’t you ask?
If I can see that he is having his own issues at the moment where he is busy or sick or tired. I do not feel it is fair to ask for him to be more dominant while battling the flu. I will however express my feelings still.
Are you able to verbally ask for more “X” If not, why not?
Absolutely and did so last night! I had miserable day and had asked earlier in the day to be allowed to curl around his feet at night. The time came and while I sat at his feet, it was not the same. He wanted to do something else and I asked point blank for what I needed. He gave it. If he had not done so, I would have understood but I also know he would have given me the feeling without the action. His hand at my throat while I lay in his arms can be equally effective.
What non-verbal queues to you use?
I avoid non verbal queues as they can be confused. However, when I curl at his feet, put my head to his foot, or seek out his hand with my cheek, he knows what I am seeking.
I understand this was rather long but it really hits a cord, not just for the presenter but, as she states often, it is also from those submissives she speaks to – more often than not, they are new to BDSM or a relationship. If you wish to review the entire thread and are a member of Fetlife, click here.
(Please note that all links lead to the discussion on Fetlife – if you are not a member you will be unable to view without signing up)
Background Since her post in Submissive women at least three other very similar posts have appeared in other groups, including Ask a Dominant. It is interesting by itself that the “Ask a Dominant” group is taking it much less seriously than the “Submissive Women” group. That, by itself, tells me that we as Dom’s are blowing it, the subs are not getting their needs satisfied by the “Ask a Dominant” standard responses “ask her”, “I make her write in a journal”, “communicate, communicate, communicate”, “aftercare” …
For those who are interested in the other answers to “this question” and why we are taking another kick at the can in a different way please review the following posts in Submissive Women:
Conclusion In the end, people, especially submissives, can hide their desires in order to please the other person. We as Dom’s have an obligation to our subs to fulfill their needs and desires, as much as the sub has an obligation to fulfill our needs and desires. It all comes down to communication, the Dom’s ability to communicate their needs and desires, and the subs ability to communicate their needs and desires. Reading through the groups, it is obvious by the number of subs posting “how do I ask for more x” the standard “ask her”, “journal”, “aftercare”, “communicate” responses aren’t working as well as we would like. This post is an attempt at bridging the obvious lack of communication that exists because the standard responses aren’t working.
There seems to be times when a subs IMMEDIATE needs are not being met. There are simply times that, at that moment, they need more than they are getting. Short of running away grabbing their journal scribbling their desire and shoving it in your face, the journal doesn’t and cannot satisfy that desire.
I agree that the journal is a wonderful tool to help build the bond between the Dom and sub but it is not a tool that provides immediate response that may be required by the sub.
What mechanism do you have to satisfy and immediate need of a sub who is having difficulty in expressing her IMMEDIATE needs?
So I ask the Gentle Dom’s the following questions (Master X’s answers will follow each question – please do not let that stop you from giving your own rezponses):
How would it make you feel if your sub came to you and asked for more “submission”?
~I feel that we are in this journey together and we both have obligations to fulfill the needs of the other party and that it is natural that our needs are not the same. I will need more of something and less of something else, you will need more of something and less of something else, this is a natural thing. This is a journey that we are on together and if the sub’s needs are not being met, I’m not meeting my obligation to my sub. It is a complement to me that she has enough trust in our relationship that she can ask me for more. Even if I am unable to fulfill that need at the moment I will know it is something that we have to work on together.”
Do you feel they are being needy, greedy, or selfish?
~No I’m feeling they are trusting and loyal and taking both her obligation to me, and my obligation to her very seriously.
Since subs seem to have such a hard time asking for more “submission” there seems to be a need for a non-verbal method for asking for more. Do you have a mechanism for getting your sub to be able to ask for more?
~No, and I know my sub will not be able to communicate her needs in a verbal way, just like many other subs are unable to communicate verbally, that is why I think the question is important enough to ask.
Since there are so many types of “submission”, what mechanisms do you use for which kinds of submission?
What non-verbal queues to you use?
If you are going to tell me the standard, “ask her”, “I make her write a journal”, communicate, communicate, communicate”, go read the posts listed above. It might be working for you, it certainly isn’t working for a lot of subs. Then have a real heart-to-heart with yourself, is it really working? Or is your ego telling you it is working just fine?
I ask the Sensuous subs the following
On a scale of one to ten. How serious a problem do you think this is?
How do you as a sub feel about asking for more?
Why don’t you ask?
Are you able to verbally ask for more “X” If not, why not?
What non-verbal queues to you use?
I want to thank Master X for this wonderful post. He acknowledges the difficulties even the most self confident submissive might have a difficult time with. Please join me next week with some responses he received to this and please respond with your own!
Today I bring the thoughts of a dominant to my blog because he brings up something many submissives have a difficult time with. I have Master X‘s (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent) approval to re-post this here and, because of the length of this discussion, I will be posting this in 3 parts. The first two will be the topic Master X brings up and the 3rd will be a reply to his post.
I now turn this over to Master X
As a beginning Dom, of the gentle variety, I have benefited greatly by talking to other Dom’s as well as subs. One of the things that I was doing at the suggestion of an experienced Dom was creating a “Goals” document. One of the comments that I got back was “You need a way for a sub to ask for submission. Sometimes the sub needs it and you aren’t aware of it“.
I was talking to a friend, who is a sub and this struck a very strong chord with her. Her post in Submissive Women(on Fetlife) received a lot of comments from subs that agreed with her need for a way to ask for more, but didn’t have a way to ask. She also had a lot of “what do you mean by submission” responses. The subs that did respond with a way to ask for submission, had different mechanisms for asking for different kinds of submission.
Not only does there seem to be a need for a different mechanism for different kinds of submission, there seems to be a need for a different mechanism based on the “type” of Dom as well.
When a sub says that they need more “submission”, their mind may be thinking of something specific. A need to kneel at your feet with a gentle patting of their head. My brain is hearing submission in the generic, and think that what the sub wants is a rip roaring spanking. I agree it is all about communication.
A post in Submissive Women revealed that many subs do want more than their Doms are providing, and are afraid to ask for a host of reasons. Part of the submissive nature with many subs is that they have a difficult time asking to have their needs met without feeling needy, greedy, or selfish. But by the same token it is a NEED, not just a want. I, as a Gentle Dom, feel that it is my obligation to make sure the needs of my sub are taken care of, just as I feel that it is my sub’s obligation to satisfy my needs and desires.
Even me, in my beginning stages, have identified at least three different but related issues.
Submission of power or control
Punishments for transgressions
The need to feel domination through pain stimulus.
~Submission of Power or Control~ Submission of power or control has several distinct aspects (probably THOUSANDS) where subs seem to receive satisfaction and fulfillment
The freedom from control. Allowing the Dom to make day to day decisions for you.
Sexual submission. Allowing the Dom to take you sexually for their pleasure and the pleasure you get from giving into the Dom’s pleasure and the “use” of your body.
Domestic submission. Just being submissive to the dom’s desires in a non sexual way. Kneeling beside the dom and talking or just being, getting the dom a coffee, being the “good little subbie”
~Punishments for Transgressions~ You do want to be a good sub and when you feel you have failed, you do want a punishment to help cleanse your “guilt”. This is not necessarily a pain based punishment, although it could be. We understand not all subs are the slightest bit interested in pain-base punishments. Some subs want the punishment to help cleansing the guilt. The bigger the transgression, the more guilt you feel. The sub may feel that the transgression was larger than the Dom and the sub may want more punishment than the Dom feels is necessary. But that clearing of guilt is not the only reason for punishments for transgressions. It is also to keep our subs grounded, it refocuses their attention, for feelings of security, for being wanted, for attention, for feeling that they are worthy, and that their Master really gives a damn about them.
~The Need to Feel Domination Through Pain Stimulus~ We know not all subs enjoy pain stimulus but this section is for those that do.
Sometimes you like to have a “spanking” (or whatever), part of it is the domination aspect to allow your Dom to exercise his domination in a way not correct in “civil” society, part if it is that you also like and want a little pain mixed with your pleasure.
Please join me next Monday for Master X’s continuation and his thoughts where he gives some background and additional reading.
BDSM, for me, isn’t new but I remember those days when I stumbled as I tried to figure out what “submissive” meant – to me (I came to find that there really is no right or wrong way) … Even today, I blog mainly for those who are on that path of new discovery in the hopes they learn from my mistakes, open their eyes to the truth of BDSM (not just what I write about), and grow. To that end, I follow someone I highly respect and got her permission to post this journal entry of hers here … I hope it helps.
Note: Some of the links take you to the forums on Fetlife – if you do not belong to that group, it wont let you open the links
Dear New Submissive,
You ask my advice and I will give it. It won’t make you wet, won’t make you an instant slave or submissive. I pray that it keeps you safe.
I would recommend exploring this community.
Attend munches (get-togethers often in coffee houses and bars), classes, and parties.
Review a BDSM checklist and research anything you do not understand.
Have a strong understanding of what you want and don’t want.
Do plenty of research and ask lots of questions.
Make friends without jumping into relationships.
Before you play, learn about safe words and aftercare and what that means to you. You can only guess but be prepared to be dehydrated afterward, probably hungry and maybe chilly. The endorphin drop after play is a bit like shock and its definitely an altered state of mind. Read about sub drop because that may happen to you. It’s when you get all clingy and emotional a day or so (or more – 4 days for me) afterward. Pay attention the first few times so you can communicate your needs to future partners.Keep a journal because it will help you sort through all of this.
Be careful what you ask for. I promise you are not a “no limits” slave. Take it from someone who has been there and held many a hand of those who are there. You have limits. Find them before they find you.
Right about now, a lot of guys are messaging you – volunteering to train you/mentor you/protect you or be your Daddy / Master /Dom. (I’ll bust a little myth. You don’t need training from anyone other than the person you intend to serve long term. Anyone offering to do otherwise often has other motives. Now those motives could be genuine (give you experience, have fun) or not (just looking to get laid by a novice) or malicious (she won’t know better so I will…).
You also don’t specifically need a mentor or a protector. You will do just fine without one. It’s great to have friends to learn from or lean on but the dominants who offer mentoring and protection have the same motives as the trainers.
Read the messages carefully and make sound choices on which you meet and converse with. Truthfully your message sounds like their dream, someone not knowledgeable enough to know her limits, her needs and wants.
When you do meet someone, go with a safe call, meet in a public place and don’t play the first time.
There will be a lot of dominants jumping on you as a newbie. It just is the way it is. They will count on you being a novice and naive. They will try to take advantage. Don’t allow that. Prove them wrong. Be smarter than they assume you are. You do not need a relationship today or tomorrow. You need to explore this new world.
Finally, if any Dom tells you that you aren’t sub enough because you won’t X, tell them to F Off. If they try to push or badger you into breaking your limits, going faster than you like, tell them to F off.
Do not feel like you need to rush into anything. You may want and need to be owned but not today or tomorrow. The goal is for this to be long term (for most anyway) and it’s unlikely you would meet someone today and move in with them or marry them next week. Why would you rush a BDSM relationship like that?
Remember I said it wouldn’t get you wet? I hope that, as you read this, you absorb some of it and stay safe.
I’ve decided to share (here and there) some of the exchanges I’ve had with those that consider themselves dominants and contact me. The exchange is hilarious if not a bit mind-blowing … Here’s an exchange I had a while back on a BDSM website ~ I’m using his initials to protect the lunatic … I am hoping it can be used as a warning for those who don’t realize that, as a submissive, one doesn’t have to submit to them all…
PP: Hello. I’m a writer and an experienced Master. I like ur quotes.
ME: Thank you
PP: If u ever check mine out, LMK if u like it. It’s getting 5 stars on Amazon.
~Seriously?? He came off selling his book this quickly??~
ME:Unless it’s a good romance, I am not really into reading
But I am thrilled for you. must be very nice to be getting 5 stars
PP: Thanks..it is a romance.
ME: you write romance? Interesting
There is only one man I have ever thought wrote a romance novel well and I think he went by the name of John Masters (he was also into BDSM and wrote his books around it).
PP: I write what I know.
ME: That would be the best thing to write about
PP:Did u read my profile?
ME: No, I havent ~(because I’m really not interested right now and it looks like I wont be any time soon)~ – why?
PP: A good way to learn about someone.
ME: It is a good way to learn about someone – but, since we were chatting, I thought it was going as well as a profile read would be
~I am learning he isn’t very conversational – but okay, I’ll give this a go – what am I doing anyway but editing my 2nd book and that’s damn boring …. this might be entertaining or enlightening~
ME (again): So, I read your profile. You are looking for ladies – I am not looking for someone who prefers several women.
If you are interested in chatting until you grow bored, I am fine with that since there are none I find compatibility with, it is what I do most
PP: Don’t u want a guy that’s in demand?
~He did not just mean what I think he means – did he?!?~
ME: What do you mean by that?
PP: There are a few women dedicated to serving me…there must be a reason?
~Oh hell … here I go…~
ME: This is what I know from our brief conversation.
1. You arent interested in pursuing a relationship, only (possibly) being pursued.
Why do I say this? Because in the 8 exchanges we have had, you can’t send more than one line. To me, this shows a lack of interest in something more solid than basic conversation. You also use text typing. As a writer, I know I get tired of typing but I never dumb down by typing without the respect due to another and try to maintain a high level of communication …. of course, this is where I admit I dont use apostrophes but thats not the same
2. Your profile speaks as much of your book as it does of you – very little. That is why a conversation tells me as much, if not more, than most profiles. You are advertising to get your sales up – a very good tactic but …. what is the word I am thinking of? Tacky? … Although, I will admit it is a good idea – as an author – not as a dominant or a submissive searching for another (or, in your case, others).
3. You are assuming (maybe rightfully so) that you are a highly desirable man in the BDSM venue but your assumptions have led you to place yourself on a pedestal instead of catching my interest and allowing me to place you there.
This is not said to be snide or condescending – simply a basis of thought off what little exchange we have had and the opinion your last comments have brought to the foreground. Which is surprising in itself because you say your best asset is your mind and I havent seen that yet.
I was wrong … because I really, really, REALLY thought this would end here or he would blast me for not being ‘submissive”… the saga continues to an even higher level of embarrassment:
PP: Interesting! One lady that bought my book last week on a regular dating site invited me over to her luxury condo so she could audition for me. She is pretty and has 37 fff tits. We had a good time. She’s begging me to take her further. So I’m selling books and meeting prospective slaves. One lady on here yesterday objected to me pushing my book. She bought it last night and now we’re friends, and she wants the next chapter. I believe I’ve typed a few lines!
ME: As much as I love the written word, I dont seem to be doing well here.
Yes, you have written more than a few words … but they do not do anything for me except to confirm two things: 1. You have no idea and 2. you dont meet my standards.
To help get this across a little better let me ask this: Do you really think your bragging rights are impressing me?
No – dont answer that because the point is now moot.
Where is the light switch?? He replied again! … I had to block him – shame I couldnt do that without opening the exchange again.
PP: I think you miss the point. Based on ur photos, u probably don’t make my standard. But I thought I’d give u a chance, anyway. By the way, I’m not bragging, this is my life. A lady is coming by in a few to take me to dinner and another has invited me to her townhouse this evening. She is a 42 jj…I like tits. Take Care.
Hard to find good entertainment these days ~ but ya gotta take em where ya can
Although, I’m not so much against a relationship that involves more than two people, it won’t be something I write about as a main theme. If I did, I would most likely make it a working poly family and keep out the natural problems such a dynamic can entail.
For today’s blog, I want to discuss those very problems since I have recently been involved with a few conversations entailing this dynamic.
Let’s first look at the definition of poly (there are two). There is Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning “many” or “several”, and Latin amor, “love” is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational). And there is Polygamy (from πολύς γάμος polysgamos, translated literally in Late Greek as “many married” is a marriage which includes more than two partners.
For the purpose of this blog, when I say ‘poly’, I am focusing on polyamory. In most cases, poly is where there are three people in a relationship – there can be more but for simplicity’s sake, let’s keep it to three – I am going to hope that, when someone enters into a BDSM relationship, they go into it with eyes wide open meaning a discussion of being poly should have been acknowledged prior to taking the next step to see if there is compatibility. Now let me make something perfectly clear: If you are not willing to share, you are NOT poly.
What I have been finding recently is that women (submissives/slaves) are posting in forums looking for a third – let me clarify: They are looking for their master …..Ummmm…… Seriously?!?
Okay, okay. No, it’s not only that they are looking for their owner, it’s also been about how they are dealing with their dominant wanting to add the ever elusive unicorn into the mix.
In my not so humble opinion (mnsho), if they are dealing then they were taken by surprise and, dear Watson, if they are taken by surprise, the dynamics of a poly wasn’t really discussed in such a way as to be fully understood – add to the fact that the relationship was only a few months old.
Alright, now that I’ve gotten – somewhat – to the background of my concern, let’s go from there.
I think it’s fantastic that a dominant wants their submissive/slave to be a part of the choosing process because it allows for a closer bonding since the submissive’s thoughts are valued – but to MAKE her do the searching? It cries laziness on the dominant’s part, adds undo stress onto the submissive’s shoulders (she’s scared to disappoint – or choose wrong), creates a different dynamic (she’s in charge of a process that will affect positively or negatively the relationship), and a wealth of other thoughts come to mind – none positive. This is not a them thing – this is a dominant (aka: pimp daddy) telling his naive girl to go out and get him some.
The fact that the relationship is less than a year old (give or take) also allows for concern. A D/s, M/s, or other type BDSM relationship is like a marriage. In the first year, there are growing pains. Trust is being built, love is probably blossoming, communications is being worked on as well as expectations and BAM, now a third is required??
BDSM relationships are on a plane so deep it is unheard of in most marriages – if it’s the right type of relationship. A person is being tied up, possibly gagged, and mostly in a private setting where there is no way to get help if shit goes wrong (we’ve all heard the stories and seen the news on how killers insinuate themselves into the BDSM communities because of how a submissive is willing to be placed in such a dangerous position – hopefully after a thorough check was done, but often times, not). These activities can’t be found in the vanilla world therefore a deeper trust is needed – unfortunately this type of trust is rare and often only found in the romance/fiction books we read. If you find that – hold on tight!
Since we’ve (I’ve) spent some time discussing the woes of the wrong way to enter into a poly family, let me talk about some things people believe are needed in order to make it work…
The number one thing needed is for both to have a desire for poly – no ifs, and, or buts – BOTH. must. like. to. share.
Many say that love is needed – and I agree: Love allows for many things but it doesn’t negate the fact that doubts will crop up (actually, nothing negates doubts but there is something that will help with those doubts more so than love). So I dont place love at the top.
How about trust? We already talked about how deep trust can be in BDSM. So, if the trust is there, shouldn’t that be right there at the top? If you’re asking me, I’d say no – but you are close. Trust, of the kind I mentioned, will be your best bet to allow for a poly situation to work.
The simple fact you both want poly isn’t even the top answer – even once your relationship has a strong foundation – but it is a strong contender for the top spot.
Okay, so you’re ready to shake me to get my answer … well, if you’ve read my other posts this will be a “duh” factor once you read what I say is the number one need. Ready? Here goes (insert drum-roll):
As much as you are both willing to be poly – as much trust as you have developed – no matter how strong your relationship – without communications (right from the beginning, during the search, and after the discovery(ies)), you and – possibly – your relationship, will fail.
And here’s why…
When there are two people in a relationship, it’s pretty simple (outside the growing pains part). There is the dominant and there is the submissive. How you interact with each other in private and public has only minor changes. Now, toss in a third.
It now becomes how the dominant acts with you when alone, and how they act with you when the third is there. This is also different when in a public setting because of societal ‘rules/expectations” (depending on how much you follow those – LOL) … It’s how the dominant interacts with the third when you aren’t there and when you are …. how you interact with the third with or without the dominant and how they do so with you.
Sound easier than I am making it? Ya think? We do this with our families. Let’s say you’re married with children and your spouse is tired after a full days work and just wants peace and quiet but little Johnny was a brat and you’ve been dealing with him throughout the day – wont your interaction with Johnny change when the spouse comes home so that you can meet their need for peace and quiet? Your voice lowers if the situation allows for it – or you pull Johnny out of hearing … whatever – the dynamics changes as soon as another person walked into the situation.
Let me back-peddle here … Communications doesn’t end once you all agree that you ALL are happy with the situation – adjustments will be made, acknowledgement towards growth or changes need to be discussed – seeking a two-sided or three-sided conversation (as needed) will help the transition as well but, as much experience as you might have with poly … as much as you desire a poly relationship, doesn’t make a poly relationship work. As much as the two of you get along and enjoy the same things, doesn’t mean you will find someone who gets along with you both – or that you both will get along with them.
Back to mnsho here. Women tend to be catty, possessive, and jealous. Heck, even if you aren’t a jealous person, if your dominant (in your mind, is paying more attention to the third, you might find yourself a little on the green side – even if you both talked about how the dominant would probably do so because, after all, this is fresh meat. Women want to feel special – even if they are not the alpha submissive/slave – and there might be times when they want the dominant to show that specialness in front of you. If it is done with honest intent, it’s probably no more than a way to make them feel more confident about their position in that relationship – and we all need confidence in ourselves and where we stand … some more so than others – at least until they (and you) are comfortable in the relationship.
Don’t get me wrong – men (dominants) get jealous too – probably why most poly families are where there is one dominant and two submissives … it’s the whole ‘control’ issue too.
Believe me, I’m not saying it can’t work – I know those that have a poly family and are making it work but all parties are respected (even when it’s a slave and not a submissive) and listened to – there’s a lot of work involved but, if you all truly desire such a family, you can really enjoy the benefits – and everyone benefits. To expound on the benefits, let me give a simple example.
Let’s say I am in a D/s relationship (YAY!!) and my owner is a damn sadist and I am allergic to pain. We know we’ve found our partner in the other but he has itches that he isn’t comfortable taking out on me – adding in a third that is a pain slut meets that itch and takes undo stress off me.
As a matter of fact I know of those who have a poly but there is no interaction between the three (or more) of them – the dominant keeps each separate from the other … See??? There is no wrong way to have a BDSM relationship – as long as you all are happy!
I know, I know. I normally write of all things dealing with BDSM but today I’m going to write about something that, for all intense and purposes, can be much better!
If you are a writer (no matter what genre (yep: even BDSM) ~ aspiring, published (self or otherwise)) I have something amazing to share with you! It’s called Marketing For Romance Writers (MFRW).
We all know that having a network of friends to help fill in the blanks is invaluable … well MFRW has a wealth of resources- people full of information because they have either been there, done that, or researched it and are so very willing to pass their information on to you. It doesnt end there – they have classes to help you get your work from the laptop to the bookshelves. It’s nothing short of amazing the things these folks do for writers like us!
Of course the best part is that you can join! What could be better than that?!? Oh, I know: It’s free!
What perfect timing too since they are gearing up for Summer Camp the second weekend in July (12th to the 14th) and I’m here to help promote this fabulous opportunity with what we’re calling A Taste of Summer Camp to get this information out there by sharing a recipe. Romance authors, join MFRW’s Yahoo Group today so you don’t miss out on this excellent learning opportunity.
Since I love to write about things that make my mouth water, I’m gonna share a favorite, mouth-watering, low carb recipe that I can never make enough of for my guests ~ even had a caterer ask for the recipe to this one.
DOTTIE’S STUFFED MUSHROOMS
2 pounds fresh mushrooms
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
1 pound pork sausage (I like sage)
8 ounces cheddar cheese, shredded
Salt and pepper, to taste (I don’t use any)
Remove the stems from the mushrooms by gently twisting them off. Drain the fat, if necessary. I found it helpful to chop the meat up until it was pretty fine, but not mushy. Mix in the remaining ingredients, except the mushroom caps. Fill the caps with the sausage mixture. (I use my fingers worked best). Pile in as much sausage as you can per mushroom. Put in a greased or foil-lined baking pan(s) and bake, uncovered, at 350º for 20-30 minutes until hot and bubbly.
About 30 mushrooms
Do not freeze
Per mushroom: 112 Calories; 9g Fat; 6g Protein; 1g Carbohydrate; trace Dietary Fiber; 1g Net Carbs
Per whole batch: 3364 Calories; 279g Fat; 191g Protein; 43g Carbohydrate; 11g Dietary Fiber; 32g Net Carbs
In the beginning of April, I attended a BDSM party in LA where I watched a most amazing – and impromptu – demonstration of the wonders of Saran Wrap … no; wait – it’s actually called Blaise Wrap after the creator (and the man I watched doing the demo), Simon Blaise. Did I say amazing? That doesn’t even begin to describe how unique and awe-inspiring this technique is ~ seriously.
(The pictures used in this blog were not from that night but taken, with permission, from Simon Blaise’s website ~ please see his information at the end of this post)
… The night started simple enough: Having never attended this particular club, I was given a tour by a wonderful young woman who answered all my questions with patience and a smile. The layout was spacious and had several areas set up for shibari (rope play) with St. Andrew Crosses, spanking benches, and a number of cages thrown in amongst the various rooms available to play or enjoy the scene as a quiet observer.
After the tour, I sat quietly watching the interactions of others (I am a huge fan of the exchanges between those involved in a scene especially when the relationship shows a deeper connection than just two or more people ‘playing’ – probably because it’s what I write about) before moving on to check out another room where I paused in surprise at something I’d never witnessed before and, once I knew I would be welcomed, stepped in to watch in awe as Simon Blaise began using the wrap to suspend a man to a large frame. The conversation was light and fun – most importantly, the information opened my eyes to yet another dynamic of BDSM.
Now you might be wondering how could saran wrap – or Blaise wrap – could have anything to do with BDSM but think about it! Instead of rope digging into tender flesh (which some might enjoy), it’s a type of plastic wrap that becomes like a blanket of sorts as it’s wrapped around the body and whatever the person is being suspended from.
With rope play, I know there is a LOT of time and effort involved in which, eventually, the bindings become uncomfortable. Now, I could be wrong since I have never been suspended with either but can’t you imagine how, after time, one would have to be adjusted when suspended with rope whereas one suspended with Blaise wrap can allow for endless possibilities? To me, it seems that the flow would be so much more intense without the need to adjust the rope or reposition the body because of the way the rope can become uncomfortable … again, this is all up to a body’s interpretation
Ahhh – the possibilities. Let’s talk about those … Positioned just right and it could be the best sex swing ever! Oh, I know. I should be discussing things like being flogged or whipped. Maybe even a spanking ….. oh, wait: I DO like that idea too (*grins*) but my mind keeps going back to the sexual aspects that are just begging me to made into a scene in an upcoming series I am doing based around a club called “Boundaries”. I am imagining a vibrator being held tightly in place between the legs with the wrap – Ohhh yeah … Of course, from this photo, I think Mr. Blaise has the same idea on occasion
Bottom line: I think what I enjoyed most is that this breaks another paradigm. So many people who don’t know about the BDSM community are very limited in what they think it entails. Floggers, whips, spankings, hardcore sex, pain and chains are the basic understanding.
A deeper knowledge covers the interaction between those involved (the mind is, after all, the strongest sex organ), the use (or withholding) of the senses, touch, taste, smell, sight, hearing – you get it
Go even deeper and you discover that even saran wrap can be useful … oh hell, what am I saying – all those deeply involved in BDSM don’t call Home Depot “Dom depot” for nut’n!
If this interests you (which I can’t help but think it should!) or if you would like to get your hands on this specially made wrap, please visit Simon’s site at http://www.simonblaise.com/ . The man has a variety of talents … I am constantly amazed at the diversity BDSM offers and Simon added so much more to my already active imagination!
This is for those women who enjoy reading where the hero is in control (in and out of the bedroom) and the woman wishes to succumb to his ardent demands – albeit unwillingly (for a little bit … a moment … second … okay – right now!) With the man in her life now.
With so many romance and erotic books out there getting into BDSM, I am always trying to open the eyes of those who have gone past the point of making that material into their fantasies and want to now make it a reality. That actually allows for a lot of subjects to write about which is great for my blog but I have someone I respect in the BDSM community who is actually out there to help those of you taking those steps or considering taking those steps and, because I agree so much with her writings, I asked permission to post some of them here. This portion is for those women who want to take that leap with their significant other … I hope you find this as valuable as I believe it to be.
GGG is savage love speak for Good Giving and Game.
That is what you call the partner that tries out your sexual fantasies because they love you and want to be with you. It’s the person that when you say “turn me into a human sundae”, will say “OK, where is the whipped topping?”
It’s also the previously vanilla husband or boyfriend who is faced with a girl who read Fifty Shades of Grey, the sleeping beauty series, or other soft core porn who suddenly wants to be a slave. This GGG Guy goes into the bedroom and tries to do his best in completely uncharted waters. He tries slapping her backside or telling her what to do and any other reindeer games.
Yet the girl wants more, she often goes on different web sites or other boards asking how to make him into the Master/Dominant/Sadist of her dreams. It’s not happening fast enough and she wants to be OWNED.
To you ladies, I offer advice unsolicited … don’t take advantage of the GGGG (good giving and game guys) and their willingness to follow your adventures.
Not all men have an inner dominant/sadist/master. Some will enjoy the slap and tickle and never anything more. Some will develop those inner parts of themselves and you may end up with that wonderful thing you seek.
Meanwhile, as they wind their way down the primrose path, it somehow becomes all about you. How you want it done to you. How you want him to treat you.
I wonder, does it occur to you that you have taken what was essentially a 50/50 partnership and turned it on end? Do you realize that you are asking him to turn on a lifetime of teaching that you don’t hit girls, that you don’t call them names, that you don’t use or abuse them and just forget it? That they may be submissive? Just tops? Or perhaps *gasp* vanilla?
It is wonderful that you have found this lifestyle and a website that caters to BDSM but it does not preclude your reality. You are the wife or girlfriend of someone whom you are asking to take a complete 180 turn from the life the two of you had previously known.
It works for some but it’s time to slow down a bit…stop taking it for granted that he will suddenly become the Master of your dreams and listen. He still has the same needs and wants he did before you discovered kink. He just might like vanilla sex. It might be cool not to listen to you go on and on about kink for a night and see a movie. He might want some time to adjust and he just might have some questions too.
Please be GGG as much if not more than he is and be a good giving and game girlfriend or wife and recognize it’s about building a relationship.
Communicate fully and often about not just your wants and needs but his as well.
Recognize, if this is what you truly want or need, it may not be with him. It may be time to move on or find a way to open up the relationship.
Do not let this eat you up and don’t allow subfrenzy to steal your existing relationship. Or your common sense that existed before.
What I want to add to this amazing writing is that the books I write can take months. I write a scene and create a story. I go back and edit. I write his words the way *I* want to hear them and, hopefully, my readers do as well. I write what I know but I also make it something you *want* to read about. THAT is fantasy. It took me months to make it perfect – that sex scene, that play scene – it all took time of writing, editing, rewriting, for it to be “perfect” And, if you’ve been reading that type of book from any author, it’s the same for them. Add to the fact that you have been reading several books, finding out what turns you on as you reread something, visualize it as you lie in bed, read more. Several books later, maybe even hours on websites as you glean more information, define more of what you like, and a few months down the road, you ask him to enter this world with you. You expect perfect because all the heroes are perfect (even if there are issues, a good author creates a lovable if somewhat flawed main hero) … your SO is not that character in the books you gobble up. He is a flesh and bone man who, as much as he may want to please you, hasn’t had the same amount of time to wrap his head around the very things you are now familiar with.
Like my source said above, you are asking him to change according to what you want – it might not be what he wants … and it might be … just give him the time it took you to get there AND accept that he might never want to get there if he finds out it isn’t for him. Remember: There’s a difference between what a woman wants and what a man wants … There’s also a reason Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus became such a top selling book/saying.
I had a problem with the website a couple hours ago (after the winner of this was announced so sorry if your post is now gone – had to reset to 24 hours ago – again, this was after the announcement of the winner of The Highlander’s Witch – which went to KayDee! Congrats!!
“Let’s Get Lucky” is MRFW’s BlogHop for us Erotic Romance authors ~ read at the bottom of this blog to see how you can be a winner too! In the meantime, I have ta say that ‘getting lucky’ is something Skye Bennett from The Highlander’s Witch has been trying for unsuccessfully.
So what happens when Skye meets Aiden and FINALLY gets lucky? Here’s a sneak peak:
Aiden sat still through her perusal of him while clenching and unclenching his jaw but he straightened when she let the covering fall from her breasts to her lap. His eyes narrowed as he watched her nipples harden in the warmth of the room and her breath quicken.
“Lass.” He cautioned as she removed the furs from her completely.
Her determined eyes never left his as a flush spread over her face and down her neck just before she rolled over and slowly made her way toward him on hands and knees.
Every muscle in his body tightened when her hand touched his ankle and traveled slowly up his calf, the other tracing the same path over his opposite leg.
Aiden watched her swallow as her eyes left his face and fixated on his staff. Unable to move, wondering, waiting for what she would do next.
She eased between his rock-hard thighs, her fingers sliding over his legs, enjoying the way the crisp hairs tickled her fingertips before coming up the inside of his thighs to cup the base of his cock.
Licking dry lips, she peeked at his face and bit her lip. When he didn’t move to stop her, she lowered her head slowly, her tongue flicking out to capture the drop of cum that leaked from the head, her eyes never leaving his.
He went to swallow but froze as her hot mouth opened and sunk over his eager cock, gripping him in heated wetness as she tried to suck him in, her mouth indenting as her tongue swirled around the underside.
She tried to take him all in, but he was too big and she moaned in disappointment.
He grabbed her hair in his fists when vibrations from her whimper tempted his resolve.
“Och, leanabh.” He gritted out as his neck strained and his head fell back only to swing back down in his need to watch, trying to keep her from moving so he would not explode like a lad at his first bedding.
His hands holding her still caused her nipples to tighten and she sat up straighter, rubbing herself against him, locking her knees together to stop the achy swollen feeling growing in her. Needing to keep touching him, she laved him with her tongue as she cupped his sacs in one of her hands and lightly squeezed as the other hand slipped around his outer thigh, squeezing.
“Och, leanabh.” He repeated, his voice strained, lost to the feeling of her hot mouth stretched over his cock as her hand moved from his balls to the base, gripping it in her small fist.
Before he embarrassed himself, he hauled her up by her shoulders, trying not to bruise her as he pushed her back onto the furs. His mouth silencing her cries of protest as his hands ran down her body to the vee of her legs and then to the wetness between them.
Skye cried out against his mouth as nerve endings came to life at his touch, her body arched in need. She welcomed his tongue eagerly, opening to its invasion as she pressed upwards, needing to feel him on her, in her.
She gasped when his fingers sunk inside her. “Oh, God, yes.”
Her legs opened of their own accord and she panted as she wrapped her hands around his back, demanding he close the gap by grabbing his muscled forceps and pulling him closer.
His fingers spread through her juices, sliding over her swollen clit then back to her pussy. “So damn tight.”
“Please.” She begged, the heels of her feet helping her to press into his hand as his fingers plunged inside then back out.
“More.” She sobbed. “Please, Aiden, more.”
Skye squirmed under the onslaught of his hands and mouth. Her body grew tighter as consuming need speared her core, turning her body into an inferno of heat.
Taking his cock, he swirled it around her opening, coating the head in her juices before slipping his hand under her waist and thrusting inside her tight sheath.
Her body stiffened as she cried out in surprise.
His heart entered his throat and he stilled.
Looking down at her face, he watched a tear slide down her cheek as she bit her lower lip. “Ye where a virgin.”
She squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed before opening them and nodding.
“Why did ye no say something?”
Her hands where clenching his shoulders, whether to pull him closer or push him away he could not say, so he waited, not moving.
“I didn’t … I wasn’t … thinking about it.” She searched his face. “I’m sorry, I just wanted you so much, it didn’t cross my mind, I mean -”
Embarrassed and hurting, she shook her head, not knowing what to say as her eyes skittered away from his.
He leaned forward to kiss her and she winced at the pain.
“Och, lass. Ye be killin me.” He said softly.
“I’m sorry. I knew it was going to hurt, just not this much.” She looked back at him then quickly away, mortified that she was acting like an idiot but he was larger than any other man she had ever seen and she should have considered that.
“I think maybe you’re too big.” She whispered.
He tried hard not to chuckle, but failed.
She glared at him and tried to push him off but flinched at the pain.
“Shhh.” He slowly eased forward and kissed her forehead. “Doona move. Just relax.”
He spoke softly as his brogue thickened in his need, placing gentle kisses along her temple, down her cheek to her mouth, where he nibbled at the lip she was biting.
“Tis alright, ghaol.”
Her breathing hitched at his gentleness and she accepted her body’s reaction as it began to relax.
“An toir thu dhomh pòg?”
She let go of her lip and opened her mouth, kissing him as he asked.
It was slow; this seduction of her senses, and her body began to respond.
He touched her cheek with his fingertips before sliding down her neck to cup her breast letting his thumb scrape back and forth over her nipple.
She could not help the way her body arched at the contact and gasped.
He stilled. “Does it hurt, wee one?”
She looked at him and blinked as she assessed her body then smiled shyly and shook her head.
He returned her smile and went back to kissing her.
“Aiden.” She cried softly, moving under him as desire again began to course through her, testing and unsure.
His mouth found the place where her neck and shoulder met and he lapped at it with his tongue, adding pressure when she cried out, her body thrust up of its own will but he remained still, nibbling up her throat to her earlobe.
She moaned as the pain receded and the feeling of fullness became pleasurable.
Moving, she again tested the sensitivity and sighed in approval as he pushed in deeper.
Still confused at how this girl responded so easily and with great desire for being a virgin, Aiden kept his body still, sweating at the restraint of not plunging deeper into her tight heat, allowing her to grow accustomed to his invasion.
His teeth skimmed over her full lower lip before tugging at it. When she moaned and opened to him, he slipped his tongue in and caressed the recess of her mouth.
Pressing herself against him, Skye pleaded. “Please, Aiden. Move. Do something … please.”
He groaned at her words and pressed slowly into her.
Her whimper of frustration teased his ear as she eased her hand down over his back to his buttocks, her nails digging in as she pressed up using her heels and widening her knees.
Her begging tested Aiden’s control as he eased out unhurriedly before pressing in deeper.
“Easy, lass.” He cautioned setting a slow pace as a bead of sweat slipped from his hairline to his clenched jaw.
Ohhh yeaaaah! … Now, here’s how you can get lucky!!
I’d love to gift a PDF of The Highlander’s Witch to 1 lucky commenter – so please ensure I get your email address & what format you want it in (I THINK I know how to convert to most any formats! If not I’ll send you the PDF). I will draw a name on Monday April 15th at noon & keep my fingers crossed you enjoy it!!
Those were my first thoughts when I discovered BDSM and listened in on the chat and, since I constantly meet new people entering a chat site or asking questions because of pure curiosity, I thought I would go back a number of years to how I was when my curiosity took me past just fantasizing about it and started finding out more about the taboo of the different.
My entire curiosity back then evolved around domination in the bedroom. Being held down and just plain wildness in the many forms that caused me to be wet in excitement. Of course the man would know what to do without guidance from me and I’d have multiple orgasms. So off I went to a website to check it out. Feeling somewhat secure since it was online and I didnt have to worry about people actually seeing me, picked a nickname that suited me, created a basic profle of my situation and what I was looking for and headed into the chatrooms.
In retrospect, there is no way what I did then would have been smart to do now. Why? Just too many trolls have found their way into these sites and the experience would never have been the same but oh the eye opening experience I did have! Sitting there in my comfortable chair flirting and chatting, listening and wondering. It was an amazing time as I found a lot of the conversations where just normal chit chat. How the day went, funny snippets, and general things like having to take the puppy out to pee (and I do mean the four legged kind) – all that made the enthralling topics dealing around BDSM so much easier to accept.
I remember shaking my head when they spoke of knives and whips thinking ‘Oh HeLL No!’ No one was ever gonna touch me with a knife – and a whip?!? Yer outta yer mind crazy. I don’t think I said those things out loud and, if I did, it was with humor, because they had – eventually – accepted me … kinda like in CHEERS when Norm walks in and everyone knows your name – I had become one of them and it was nice.
Funny thing was that as time went by I started realizing it was my own paradigms that kept my thoughts about certain things in boxes neat little boxes.
And then, after many months of chatting, becoming good friends with many, I went to my first play party. People I’d only chatted with online, I now saw in person and they were just like me – normal … well, kinda . As much as I loved meeting those I’d “known” for almost 8 months, I was fascinated with the play. Oh, boy, the things I saw/watched! Amazing … and shocking. Males and females were draped over spanking benches, attached to St. Andrew crosses, or hung from any number of contraptions and I was soaking it up like a kid in a candy store!
The best part? I played for the first time (and no: not in the bedroom!). The BDSM scene in The Highlander’s Witch actually has a portion of that scene in there – nothing like writing what one knows about … I also learned to never say ‘never’ because having a man pressed against you, surrounding you with his presence and holding a knife to your throat has got to be one of the most erotic experiences EVER! And there was no blood – go figure.
All I am saying is that, as human beings we grow up with certain expectations and it takes generations to break some of the ones that keep us from accepting things that are other than ‘normal’. How many generations before women were allowed to have sex before marriage let alone with more than one man? How many generations before women were allowed on warships?
40 yrs of societies expectations where ingrained in me. I still have a few and, the ones I have gotten over, took many years because it’s not easy to think outside the box or to feel like you are not accepted.
Women have the hardest time. I blame two factors for this: Societies expectations and when women went to the extreme and burned their bras to be treated equally. We tried so hard to fight against the paradigm of how women were viewed that we forgot to embrace our femininity and be powerful – and you will never understand the freedom – the strength – in submission until you taste it with the right person.
Being a woman and being dominant (because I can imagine how nice it could be to have a man tied up for my whims) or submissive breaks the paradigm and it isn’t something that needs to be hidden in shameful closets. It’s about being smart. About knowing or, at least being able to learn, who you are – what you want, where you want to go and figuring out the path that will take you there or finding someone trustworthy to take you there.
I am not saying you need to embrace everything when it comes to BDSM and what it has to offer – there are many things I cringe at and have no desire to try – it’s about acceptance and being open minded. It’s about never saying never.
I am too tired after a great Easter weekend to come up with a topic (although I know I have a list somewhere!) so here’s something I wrote some time ago ~ some editing was required but was watching TV while doing that
I am thinking this will have to find its way into a book
We stand there, in front of his home, as the shadows grew deeper in every corner. “Go upstairs. Remove your clothes, place the cuffs on your wrists and ankles, then sit on the couch. I want your arms raised high about your head against the wall, toes together and knees spread wide.”
The softness of his voice sends goose bumps over my skin, beading my nipples.
I dare not look at him.
I know him.
I know that begging will get me nowhere. I know I chose to take his hand at the party when he told me he was leaving since I’d learned the hard way that doing anything else would leave me empty. Instead, I swallowed and got out of the car knowing it wasn’t the breeze that caused my body to shake.
I entered the house and took the stairs up; going into the room I remembered was filled with toys.
Walking over to the large couch, I removed my clothes, carefully folding and placing them on the side table. Knowing I’m still alone, I can’t help but glance over my shoulder just to confirm, like one who opens the fridge to see if anything has changed in the last few minutes. I look back at the couch and the wall behind it, seeing myself there. In that position and shivered again, knowing I would begin to lose myself there.
Gritting my teeth, I turned and sink into the cushions.
Placing my bottom close to the edge, I leaned back. Raising my arms slowly above my head and against the wall, I bring my toes together, knees tightly clasped.
Even with my heart pounding in my ears, I hear him entering the house.
My breathing quickens, my heart hammering far too loud as I let my head drop back and, squeezing my eyes shut, open my knees.
I could feel him – I had no idea where in the room he was – but I could feel him. I knew my control began slipping when my skin grew warmer, my breathing erratic.
The cushion to my right sunk and I hated myself when I couldn’t stop the whimper that slipped through clenched teeth, my head naturally moving when I felt the impression of his hand take hold of the back of the couch.
The softest breath of air skimmed over my cheek, my lips parted but I was successful in my attempts to let not a sound out, wishing I had been as successful in keeping my back from arching when his hand grazed over my right arm, from wrist down to the under swell of my breast and back over the top.
I could feel the strength of his body just inches away from mine but dared not open my eyes.
No power on earth could make me move – not even to wipe away the tear that slipped from my lashes.
“What makes you cry?” Came the lazy question, causing me to shiver as the voice embraced my being.
I tried to speak and found it impossible so I swallowed, my head turning, seeking and finding the comfort of his arm. “It is difficult,” My voice catching when his hand lazily traveled up my collarbone, to the base of my throat and then threaded through the hair at the back of my neck. “to maintain control… sitting like this.”
His smile wrapped itself around me in his words: “And now you begin to understand.”
Just as simple as that, and just as vexing.
If I could just breathe without his scent invading me. Without him touching me. Without…
His hand wrapped my hair into a fist, tilting my head away and back, baring my neck to his lips.
“Please!” I cried out, only realizing I did so after it was already spoken. Hating myself, I groaned in frustration…or need. I’m so confused. So on fire. A hand touches my outer left thigh, running down and then up the inner, more sensitive skin. “Please.”
Oh yes, definitely need.
Firm lips possess mine. Capturing my breath, demanding so much more and I … am unable to deny him anything. My cleanly waxed skin offers no barriers to his seeking fingers as they skim over the tender flesh, finding and easily slipping through the lips. Knowing he found the wetness that surely showed what little control I really had. Breathless, I squirm, needing to move – whether away or towards, I didn’t know since all rationale left at the intimate contact.
His fingers leave and I moan in distress, no longer caring to hate myself.
An arm slips around my waist and gathers me up as the other still holds my hair firmly.
He eases off the couch, bringing my body hard against his own. Caught unaware, my hands grasp his shoulders – for support or to just touch him didn’t matter – it was a need, just like breathing.
Yes; breathe…I had forgotten to do that.
Tilting my head, he again finds my neck and nibbles, lapping and possessive, walking me away from the couch.
My eyes remained firmly closed not carrying where we went as long as his hands were around me, his mouth touching my skin, his body brushing mine.
“No.” I whimper at the sudden loss of contact.
Confused at his soft laugh, knowing I should be…something else …angry? I gasped softly as he pressed his body against my back, pushing me against – oh, God – a cross. The cold leather embraces my heated flesh as his hands bring mine up, securing them before doing the same to my ankles.
He cups each calf in a large hand, travels up my legs, over the globes of my ass, to my waist then ribs, continuing up to the fullness of my breasts and nipples, pressing his weight into me.
A moment later, the velvety feel of fur caresses my arms, down and over my shoulders, my belly, and around to my back. No part left untouched by either fur or hand. Driving me wild with his thoroughness – his leisure.
Tears flow freely. Tears of joy and need. Yes my mind cries, my body seeking deeper contact, only to find myself alone. “No. Please!” I shook my head, not daring to believe the loss I felt.
I open my eyes to seek him out, only to have a blindfold envelop me in soft darkness. A hand pulls my hair over my shoulder, his mouth sending waves of sensation as he kisses the nape of my neck.
“Yesss.” I whimper.
Again, the sharp coldness of emptiness takes his place and I lay my head against the leather padding and struggle for a calm breath.
All knowingly impossible the moment I felt air whooshing over my shoulders. Again, and again. Each time closer until the straps from the flogger kiss my back, over to my shoulders, up my arms.
Coherent thought would have told me that he was following the same path his hands and the fur had just done, but coherent thought was too abstract to grasp, and something I no longer required.
I hold on to the cross as if it is the only thing to keep me from falling. Time is no worry for him as he slowly strokes my flesh with the flogger, falling harder, but never enough for me to flinch. In time he stops and places a knee between my legs, pressing up as mine naturally presses down. His hand again brushes my hair aside, a low growl is whispered in my ear causing me to quiver as I feel moisture coat my inner thighs. I attempt to lean my face into his, to touch him as he was touching me, the need for contact primal. Knowing this, his hand travels over my flesh, lightly touching, assessing.
A moment of coldness is replaced my something…what? The heel of a knife? It glides over my flesh. Something warm skims down my spine.
Had he just cleaned the knife with something damp and it was still wet?
My mind couldn’t grasp what it could be, my thoughts even weaker.
“Oh, God.” I whisper fiercely when the sensation is replaced by something sharp – he remembers how I love knife play.
“Not quite, but ‘Master’ will suit.” He chuckles.
Up my calf goes to the blade to the back of my knee then to my ass. A hand gently fists through my hair, pulling back, and I whimper out my excitement at the touch of the sharp edge along my back, side, traveling up my stomach before the sensation is gone.
Drawing in a quick breath, I feel the knife at my throat, chin, and over my lips.
Slow … teasing. My mind begins to drift in a hum of sensation as I give my trust to him. Time slips away as he scrapes the blade over me.
Placing the tip at my chin, he carefully lets go of my hair. “Do not move.”
In moments, I feel the thud of the whip against my shoulder blades, then the crack over my head, on my arms. The sweet feeling as the whip tastes my flesh causes more tears to flow.
I try hard not to move, but my body had its own will and I tremble more. “No, no, no, no” I whisper to myself, craving this feeling of rapture.
Sensations flood every cell of my body.
The knife withdraws and I weep at the loss.
A knee finds its way up the juncture of my legs. A hand grips my waist possessively, the other runs over my back while teeth nibble on my earlobe.
“How are you doing?” He whispers as his hand slips down my belly to my lips soaked in my juices.
A moment of sanity enters my consciousness as I think of how to answer such a question.
How does one answer when the world has fallen from beneath ones feet and the body is wrapped in something a mere human cannot fathom?
I nod and smile. “Good.”
It lacks the true meaning of what I feel, but am unable to give anything more.
My womb clenches at his expert touch, “’Good’ hmmmm?”
My body arches back into his as much as I can. “Yes, yessss…yesssssss.” I gasp as he applies pressure and I shudder, thankful for the bindings holding me for my bones no longer work. “Pleeeeease.”
His body moves sensually against mine and I find my arms free. I can’t let go of the cross as I feel my ankles released, not even when he eases back and slips his hands around my waist, trying to bring me back against him.
Let go? But how?? My bewildered mind argued.
Leaning forward, he brings his body against mine and, unable to lose the contact, I let go.
Prying my fingers from the cross, I slide them down, relaxing into his embrace. My feet somehow find the will to move as he turns me from the cross and into his strong arms.
More sensations wrap around me as we move and in moments, I am gently pulled onto his lap, his arms encircle me as I sink gratefully into the comforting heat, wrapping my arms around his neck.
Letting myself go, I cry softly, my fingers tight in their hold, my body tense in its quaking, sluggishly relaxing into the safety of his arms.
Words of comfort and approval fall from his lips, blanketing me in their warmth.
We stay together for eternity.
Time slips by unnoticed until he nuzzles my neck and I shift, snuggling closer. His breath heightens my body heat, making me squirm and he holds me tight, hindering my need to move.
His mouth begins to play havoc on my sensitive throat causing me to rub my breasts against his chest – the only movement I could make – and this I did gladly.
Hands thread through my hair and pull me back, baring myself to his view.
A hand opens my legs and fingers plunge into the wetness. I cry out shifting and opening myself further, pressing against the thick digits, weeping in urgency, then arching as he slips a third finger in, feeling the pressure mounting, the mastery of his thumb swirling over my clit. Over and over, and ohhhh! My head presses against his neck.
His persistence never lessenes, knowing patience is the only way to get me to where he was taking me.
My blood coursed like raging fire. One hand raised up and around his neck while the other grips his knee, allowing me to lift my hips and open my legs further to his manipulation.
“Oooooohooohhhhhhhh!” I cry out, my head flung back, body arching in rigid release, thankful for the strength of his arms, aching for him to stop the torturous swirling of his thumb … afraid that he would stop. My orgasm so intense it drains me of my strength and I go limp when it ends.
I go to curl into him but his head comes down to take a turgid nipple into his mouth, lapping, sucking, spinning my world back out of control. I twist my body so he could have easier access.
Shifting me until I am under him, his mouth finds my swollen clit.
“Oh, God. Oh, God, yes.” A finger enters my swollen passage before another follows. His mouth shows no mercy over the sensitive clit. “No, no, nonono.” I grit between my teeth, both he and my body ignore my pleas. My hands find his hair, delving in and grabbing handfuls, pushing him down, then seeking his shoulders and pulling him up. “Please.”
Stroking as he travels up my hip, swirling over my pelvic bone, stomach, the undersides of my breast, he stops, his breath teasing the tip. “What?”
Taking the nipple in his mouth, he laves attention until it peaks before giving the other equal attention.
“I need you, Master. Please.” My body presses against his, hands pushing him into me, nails raking across his muscles. “Inside me. Please.”
How grateful I am that he allows me to remove the shirt, popping buttons in my haste until he places his larger hands over mine and kept them there until I quiet.
“Please.” I whisper, eyes shut tight under the blindfold I still wear.
Moments, years, seconds later, I glory in his nakedness, legs rubbing against the hair covering his, hands traveling excitedly over the strength of his back, breasts pressed eagerly against his chest, my lower body desperately grinding relentlessly against his thick hardness.
My mouth seeks and finds his, nipping at his lower lip in need and desperation, sucking and demanding.
Taking my hands, he places them above my head and I whimper at the loss of pleasure the feel of him brings me. “No. No, please.”
I groan. “Please.” So lost in desire I can’t think.
Teeth bite my lip and hold the plump flesh as I breathe, allowing his control to wash over me, calm me.
I force myself to relax, crying in my head at the injustice of this demand. Tears course down my cheeks as I continue to try to catch my breath.
Turning my head into my arm, I dare not move again as he places both my wrists into one hand while the other skims over the heated flesh to brush between my legs and open the folds there. However, I cannot stop the cry of joy and the thrust of my hips as his cock sinks into my tightness while his mouth and teeth captures my neck.
“Oh, God. Yes, please.” I gasp over and over as he plunges deeper, drawing my leg over his arm. My knees open wider for him to pound harder and deeper.
Already swollen from my climax, I can feel him stretching me, filling me, as I welcom his masterful thrusts. My head thrashes side to side, hungering for more as he finds my breast, nips my throat, or sucks at my earlobe.
Still holding my arms above my head with one hand, his other slips under my hips and slams me up, showing no mercy, knowing I welcome it, crave his dominance, meeting each thrust with one of my own. When both hands go under my hips leaving mine free to move, I wrap my arms around his shoulders, locking my legs around his hips, Crying out in pleasure as his seed heats my core.
Breathing fast, we lay like that for some time, his weight a comfort against my trembling body. I don’t remember when he adjusted our position so his front was to my back, a blanket covering our bodies. I do remember when he removed my blindfold and placed his arm around my waist to cup my breast – His possession the true source of warmth.
In the world of BDSM, Many people on the ‘other’ side of the fence will say that any submissive commenting on the fact that BDSM is “all about me” is a topping from the bottom mentality. Let me explain why it is not only the right way to think but the smart way as well.
Outside of the box thinking? Possibly.
Factual thought process? Definitely.
Be open minded when reading this – it might take a while for it to sift through before you catch on because I tend to ramble – it might not.
*If I am Master, it is “all about me”.
*If I am dominant, it is “all about me”.
*Same if I am slave or submissive; it is “all about me”.
*Top, bottom, kinkster, and every other shade; (say it with me) it is “all about me”.
I read many writings about how things change. If one is the person in control it’s not even really thought about.
However, if a submissive or slave states the changes are affecting their relationship and how unhappy they are with the situation, then we hear a lot of replies with “That has an awful lot of I’s and my’s. Makes me think its all about the sub.”
If it wasnt all about “me” as a sub then any owner would do. Right?!
Pfffft – How unfeasible is that??
When two people meet, there is a connection – if not, they move on because the other didn’t or couldn’t fulfill that persons requirements – that connection develops/deepens as words are said, action is taken, and knowledge is gained. In that process each make a decision: Is this person right for me? OMG – did I just say that?? They each have a choice … they can (gulp) make individual decisions?
Why yes. Yes, I did.
For example. Why would I be with a man who is a Sadist that has no desire to use anything remotely furry or thuddy unless it has hidden tacks/claws and I can’t tolerate pain?
Why? Because it’s all about me!
Of course (grins), that Sadist wants me because he enjoys inflicting pain and, being the wuss I am, it would only give him more pleasure. But wait: I’m still pining over my last relationship and he has a dislike for that kind of situation so he walks away.
Why? Because it’s all about him.
Are you getting the picture here?
When mutual attraction, interests, desires, needs, etc are met and two people agree on developing that relationship it is because it’s all about them as individuals.
As the trust grows because they both test the other (yep, they test each other. The Owner gives commands to see how well the sub responds … the results of that tests allow the Owner to trust the sub is the person for them. The sub tests as well for the same reason and so on) – let’s not get into semantics just yet.
I don’t do well with many things others might think of as essential for their relationship … but isn’t that to be expected? Don’t we all have limits others don’t even think twice about?
When first speaking with a dominant, tell them what is needed. How you are. Expectations (you know, those things desired and needed).
Since there are so many players, the mindset can be negative because of the many disappointments of previous meetings (online or in real time) but, if he’s patient (which would be a great plus no matter how new or experienced you are) he’ll wade through the BS, watching and listening.
Holding nothing back because there’s nothing to lose at this point and you’ll soon discover (unless you’re a slow learner) to become tired of the pain when lowering your standards – OMG did I just say submissives have standards?? Me? A self-pronounced submissive??
Why yes. yes; I did.
(I also know there are some out there who think ‘submissive’ and ‘standards’ are an oxy-moron. I know this because I’ve had conversations with them …. can you see ME submitting to THEM?
Why not? – say it with me now: Because it’s all about me!
Yes! You did it – YAY!!)
Anyway – I digress – kinda.
It’s all about him. Let’s say he needs someone who can do things the way he wants, how he wants, when he wants. He needs someone to be proud of, to walk with down the street holding hands, to know their place no matter where they stood. He needs someone intellectually stimulating so he can trust their common sense and not have to micro-manage. Someone to fit his needs because, well duh, it’s all about him.
And this fits for everyone in this roll – just tweak it how you see fit…
It’s all about me. I need someone to be in control, to do things his way. I need to serve and be proud of my Owner. I need someone stronger/better than me – physically, mentally and emotionally. Someone who doesn’t believe I need to leave my intelligence at the door to be submissive.
And, yes, this fits for everyone in this roll – just tweak it how you see fit…
Once you find that person that meets your needs and they feel you meet theirs, the “all about me” mindset changes to an “all about us” mentality.
He owns you. You might be uncomfortable with things he does for and to you but never crosses the hard limits you’ve previously discussed but he knows how to push you to gain more trust as well as the fact he probably knows you need that because it fits the “all about me” thing which, coincidentally fits his “all about me” thing.
How lucky is that?
Wait … that’s not luck. That’s how it is suppose to work.
To be owned by someone who doesn’t care about you and your needs is the worst choice anyone can make.
The part where folks tend to throw the “all about me” label in as a bad thing is when one changes in a way that doesn’t support the other’s needs.
If your Owner expected you to have his coffee/tea/meal/whatever ready at a certain time, and you stopped doing that then it is no longer all about him and he has the right to make sure you get back into the swing of things or to walk away.
So why is it that, if you needed Sir to “tell” you what to do or wear or whatever, and it was something you both acknowledged and was a thread that held your relationship together and it went to the wayside, then why is it wrong for you to be unhappy and question the situation? Why are fingers pointed in disapproval the submissive’s way as folks say (or any other submissive) they should accept these changes? Endure?
A relationship starts with the dynamics discussed NEEDED by 2 or more people when thoughts of developing a relationship BEGINS – all based off what the other needs (the “all about me” factor) … so why is it now non-existent when things change over time and one doesnt want to function without that part especially if that person is the submissive/slave?
Recap: It’s all about me – giving, serving, being controlled, placing him on a pedestal, making me feel free in my submission. It is all about him – receiving, being served, controlling, being in the position of authority, feeling strong in his dominance.
When the two have their needs met, it becomes all about us.
When things change that wasn’t expected/wanted by someone in the relationship, it is no longer “all about us” something is wrong and no one should be condemned or told they aren’t worthy of having their needs met.
I think many people who dont know much if anything about BDSM have certain paradigms. Here I want to debunk one of those…
Submissive’s leave their intelligence at the door.
This small, possibly one-sided, conversation is going to be centered around one of my favorite mottoes: “Only the strong shall serve the strong.” and that alone should explain everything but I’m gonna expound on it because I like to make sure I’m understood.
As a submissive, you might think that the dominant has complete control (I would hope so) and believe that means you need to ‘dumb down’ to be that cared for pet. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
There is nothing wrong with laughing if something is funny or smiling if it isn’t. Asking questions for better understanding or discussing a topic with manners, even if it’s to say you disagree. Just remember “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” Good manners will get you everywhere.
As an intelligent woman, you will find that being controlled by someone who appreciates someone more than a doormat is more enjoyable and, might I add ‘freeing’, than someone who reprimands you for having a thought of your own.
A confident dominant enjoys the mind of their submissive. It can get you into trouble (hopefully in a good way). It can allow your dominant an ability to see into the person you are so they can better lead you down the path you both wish to go. It can fill in those many moments when you aren’t playing because, seriously, one of you will be exhausted after a few hours and, if either of you aren’t passed out due to exhaustion, then you will probably be talking.
That’s what I write about. A confident man who isn’t intimidated by a strong woman and a woman who feels empowered by her submission. There is no humiliation in intelligence. No need to feel like you are nothing. As a submissive, you are fulfilling your needs as well as theirs and that is as worthwhile as breathing – maybe even more so
We’ve heard the sayings “Like attracts like” & “Opposites attract”. The submissive you are will eventually find or be found by the dominant that suits you. There will be a difference (we already know the obvious) and the way I define that in a perfect scenario is that the dominant is stronger mentally, physically, and emotionally than the submissive. An intelligent, confident dominant will be attracted to the same in a submissive. This is not to say they are infallible because, as much as we want them to be Superman, they are human and still unable to read our minds but they can nurture us from the secret desires we want but society has shackled us into believing is wrong, to the submissive who trusts the dominant to care for them as they break through those restraints.
Communicating (a word you will hear me speak of often) is the key. Expressing your thoughts will help the dominant to decide how best to get you to enjoy the release of your fears. Letting them know the things you wish to explore as well as what you refuse to do (hard limits) will help to develop trust and growth – in both of you.
Hiding or playing stupid will lead – with an intelligent dominant – to frustration and heartache as you grow further apart. So embrace your keen mind and seek a dominant who will enjoy you for being you. In that, you shall discover how to fly.
For my very first blog, I want to talk about my favorite author but there’s a bit of background that needs to be laid out …
I am sure everyone can remember what they were doing on September 11, 2001 – I certainly do! … I was gawking at the TV with my fellow sailors (yep; I was in the Navy) trying to figure out – like everyone else – how the hell a plane could crash into one of the world trade centers. When the second one hit, I looked at the orders I had in hand and knew I was going to war because there wasn’t a soul in sight that didn’t automatically know it was a terrorist attack.
You see, I had just received orders to the USS Harry S Truman (CVN 75) and she was in the yards (a place all ships go every so often to get the barnacles off her belly – well, more than that but you get the idea) and would be getting out about the time I was transferring.
Fast forward and the carrier is pulling out of Norfolk, VA and heading to the Gulf. It was another winter deployment (meaning we left before Thanksgiving, would be missing, Christmas, our daughters 10th birthday (I was there for the boys 4th birthday a few months before), and our anniversary – at least. With no “D-day” on the books, we had no clue when we would be returning so I was thankful for the gift card to Boarders from my S-I-L. I spent every bit of that card plus more on enough books (hopefully) to get me through the deployment.
Two of those books were from an unknown (to me) author that held a lot of promise.
When I began reading the first book from Christine Feehan, it didn’t take me long to realize it was a part of a series and it wasn’t the first … any more than the other book was, so I immediately got on Amazon (yep, we have internet access while underway – can even call home ona regular phone) and looked for the rest. When I couldn’t find them, I sent a message to the email I found at the back of the book explaining my situation and asking where I could purchase the others.
With a 9-hour time difference and the fact that she was probably busy, I figured I might not get a reply so kept looking – and found them. I would be sure to bring my credit card to the shop the next day!
Well, the next day I had an email from her asking what books I had. I thanked her but explained I finally found the books on Amazon (unfortunately, my 5-8 second memory caused me to forget my CC).
I didn’t forget the card the following day and rushed to get online, but priorities were always first and I checked for messages from my family and found another one from Christine! She told me not to worry about it that she had mailed out a box containing all the books she’d ever written!!
When the ‘care package’ came, it was loaded with books! At least a dozen … this woman was an established author!! And a damn good one! I was hooked and spent every moment of free time reading.
I had to thank her – but how? I mean, port visits were minimal when at war so it wasn’t like I could send her something from overseas … so I went to the ship’s store, got a baseball cap and a photo of the ship, had it signed by the Commanding officer (who also added a letter of gratitude) and from the Fleet Admiral.
Is it no wonder why I am in awe of this amazingly thoughtful and talented woman?!? And for those who have read her Dark, Ghostwalker, or Leopard series (I have not read the Drake sisters series), you know what I’m talking about – for those who haven’t, I give my HIGHEST recommendation!
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