The ABC’s of #BDSM ~ B

We covered “Aware” in the last post on the ABC’s of BDSM and it dealt with yourself. Today, we go on to the next step when it deals with others.

B: Beware. Of those around you because trolls are getting smarter (I can’t seem to say that enough – I wonder why?) and they will use you with no care to your safety – oh, they will say they are very concerned for your welfare and they will say it convincingly – that doesn’t make it true. If you hold out and they don’t stick around, it’s because they moved on to another “soft target”.
This is not a game and, if they want to throw your caution in your face as not being submissive enough, then it’s a sure sign they are not trustworthy.
You will find that there are people with money in BDSM – there are as many of them that can be trusted as those driving a truck or in construction – or whatever … and many that can’t be trusted.

There are so many concerns about ‘outing’ people because of the claims on how it will hurt the community that you really need to beware of the possibility of predators.
I know people who will chat online for months before giving an email address (and usually one set up for this purpose), then more time before giving a real name, phone number, meeting, etc. Even playing in private is a scary situation since you will most likely be gagged and tied – perfect setup for rapists and murderers, don’tcha think?

Your life is well worth the wait so make sure you are extremely confident before proceeding.
Check to see if they are involved in the community and how the community thinks of them but, like I said last week, take everything with a grain of salt. If the person had been in a relationship with them they could still be hurt and tell you lies because they are spiteful. Or they could have been lied to by the person and don’t want you to be the next victim.
There are pros and cons to those who aren’t involved in their local community. Some aren’t because they are known to be a predator but they blame it on the drama while others are actually very much over the drama that can grow now that the internet has opened the doors to so many savory and unsavory people.

You really need to beware of drama as much as you need to keep your eyes open to the truth – juggling the two can be tricky but your safety is as stake and, because of the depth of the play involved, your heart too.

I’m reminded of Smokey the Bear when he says, ‘Only you can prevent forest fires’. It’s just as true in everything you do. The choices you make need to thought out with your brain as much as with your emotions because so many aspects of BDSM involve emotions – not always good emotions. But even ‘bad emotions’ is relative. Take fear play. It’s not uncommon and many thrive on it. Fear is considered a bad thing to most people in society – even some in BDSM … so a good balance of brain and emotion will do you well.
Beware of the need to ignore things in order to Belong – another B-word that sometimes people want to trump the more important B-word of Beware.

When you get into a relationship, you might believe that there is some give and take when it comes the DO’s and DO NOT’s you created with the last post and that isn’t always true or the best way to look at things.
Both of you should agree to respect each other’s desires, concerns, expectations and needs – just to name a few things with no changes to your standards – or limits.
If you ignore your standards in order to belong, there’s a possibility you are stepping into a less than ideal situation.
Some of the risks you willingly give up in order to experience everything you’ve read or hear about (or maybe experienced in another relationship), could be your peace of mind, your safety, or your life.

Don’t pishaw when I bring up these thing – especially your life. BDSM involves many dangerous weapons. I’m hard pressed to think of some of the tools people have in their ‘toy bag’ and not think of them as dangerous in a person’s hands.
BDSM is not a game – to those who live it or to those that use it as a means to get to you.

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The ABC’s of #BDSM ~ A

I get really concerned when someone asks me what I think and they don’t know me. There are so many people to ask and, if you don’t have friends who are aware of your kinky lifestyle then you should be doubly cautious because you have no one you can truly trust and, therefore, no one to help you sort things out if you aren’t sure about certain things.
Because I’m very sure there are far too many people in the kink community – be they new to the lifestyle or to a relationship – that forget the golden rule: To Never Leave Your Intelligence At The Door, I’ve come up with the ABC’s of what to keep in mind.
In writing this, it grew in volume so I’m going to break it down into three blogs for easier and faster reading.

Disclaimer: These are only what *I* think should be in the forefront of everyone’s mind – other’s could very well have better ideas and, if so, PLEASE share!

A: Awareness. Before ever stepping into a relationship, understand your limits because, when there’s the remotest chance of a relationship, people tend to let their standards slip in the sub-frenzy (could be Dom-frenzy too!) of needing to belong – to have someone – to enjoy everything you know is possible.
The awareness of what you are willing to do or not do – and everything in between – should be something you stick with.

There are a ton of lists out there to help you with this that show so many aspects of BDSM it will make your head spin. Many have it worked out where you can give them numbers from 1-5.
#1 being, “NO WAY will I EVER do that” (hard limit) to #5 being, “HELL, YES and why haven’t you started?”.
You could maybe think of #2 as being something you MIGHT try after you are 110% sure the person you are with cares about you more than you do … or you might not budge – ‘might’ be the operative word in small print. #3 as something you’d do only once trust has been established, and #4 as when you feel comfortable …. or however you want to figure all that out.

As you grow and learn, things might be adjusted but they should never be changed when your emotions are involved. That’s why people negotiate. For example: prior to a scene, you both agree there will be no sex or any kind of penetration (toys, fingers, whatever). Then the scene takes place and you start getting your engines reeved and you are now at the point you want to change your mind – OMG NEED to change it all.
If he complies with your change of decisions, as soon as you can: RUN!

Things change during a scene and that’s why I say your awareness of your DO’s and DO NOT’s should always be done with no emotions involved and stuck to and respected – even when you’re passed the ability to think rationally.
If the person you negotiated with is trustworthy, they will be a ‘gentleman’ … but remember, this is not a green light that they are a good person … everyone can hold off for so long.

I heard once where an alcoholic was put in jail for a year and they never touched a drop. The day they were released, they got drunk. Why? Because they knew the day would come when they could drink again and so it became a mindset.
That will happen with anyone. They will bide their time and either strike or know you are worth waiting for.

Finally, use other people’s awareness as well.
If someone you don’t know or know very little tells you something derogatory about another, take it with a grain of salt. They could be drama or they could be right. Listen and then make your decision.
I will always give more weight to the people I trust over the people I don’t know but, no matter who is telling me something, I will always have the final decision.

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Posted in BDSM, Random Notes

Comparing a Song to #BDSM

I’m thinking the next couple of weeks I will be touching on subjects I’ve already written about but seems to get a lot of traffic and a lot of questions about my thoughts on their situation.
First off, I will never give an answer because there are too many variables. Secondly, I’m only hearing one side of the story made in a time when emotions might be running higher than is normal. Third: there’s just no right or wrong way to being in a relationship as long as you are being fulfilled.
With that said, let me attach a story I heard and think other’s need to hear – even if you’ve heard it before, it’s worth reading again … The original song (yup: song) was written by Oscar Brown in 1963.


On her way to work one morning
Down the path alongside the lake,
A tender-hearted woman saw a poor half frozen snake.
His pretty colored skin had been all frosted with the dew
Poor thing,” she cried, “I’ll take you in and I’ll take care of you.
Take me in tender woman
Take me in, for heaven’s sake,
Take me in, tender woman,” sighed the snake.
She wrapped him all cozy in a comforter of silk
And laid him by her fireside with some honey and some milk.
She hurried home from work that night and soon as she arrived
She found that pretty snake she’d taken to had been revived.
She clutched him to her bosom, “You’re so beautiful,” she cried,
But if I hadn’t brought you in by now you might have died“.
She stroked his pretty skin again and kissed and held him tight.
Instead of saying thanks, the snake gave her a vicious bite.
I saved you,” cried the woman, “And you’ve bitten me, but why?
You know your bite is poisonous and now I’m going to die
Oh shut up, silly woman,” said the reptile with a grin,
You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in.


THAT is why I warn you of the dangers of leaving your common sense at the door when you believe a book is what reality will bring you – be smart!

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Posted in BDSM, Random Notes Tagged , ,

#Sex in #BDSM?

I am alsways in a conversation with people about BDSM and sex and I know I’ve mentioned this before but here it goes again …There are some strong beliefs when it comes to sex and BDSM so I have to give my disclaimer right up front and that is that the following discussion is my own opinion based off of my experience … take what you want and leave the rest.

There are some strong beliefs when it comes to sex and BDSM so I have to give my disclaimer right up front and that is that the following discussion is my own opinion based off of my experience … take what you want and leave the rest.

I’ve met a lot of people that considered themselves many things ~ be it from masters that follow John Norman’s Gorean books and the philosophy they read about to sensual sadists.
Many fell somewhere in that spectrum and others fell outside it but most of them amaze me still when I hear dominants say that they can’t be in control without sex.
Of course, I do get the clarification that they can indeed dominate and be in control but not as fully without intercourse. A blowjob won’t do it either – has to be the full monty.

Really?? You can’t tell a person what to do and have them want to do it until you’ve had sex with them? You’re telling me that, without sex, you don’t know how to be in full control? … Wow

When I run into these people, I have to seriously consider their worth and it never fails … they lose a few notches in the esteemed category no matter how they embellish their belief with whatever BS they like to spice their excuses with.

To these people, I tend to believe they understand that over 70% of women can’t achieve orgasm and they know the power of great sex.
After all, you give me great sex and I’m gonna come back for more … but to be honest, take away the BDSM factor and I’ll be back for more – it is, after all, great sex!

But BDSM is the factor here and I’ve often said (in person and other blogs) that, “if you can’t get into my head, yer not getting into my pants“.

Trolls are getting smarter and they hear people state that the greatest sex organ is the brain and, the trolls/wannabes know their weaknesses as well as how difficult it is to get into a woman’s mind and, since they aren’t really into anything but sex with kink and too lazy to figure us out, use sex as a shorter path … obviously, my opinion is also the fact that they are getting a free pass to your body before they have proven their worth as a dominant, owner, or even a master.

If you truly want a BDSM relationship then make it clear that there won’t be sex. When you do that – take sex out of the equation for X amount of time (and make it MONTHS) – then come back to me and tell me how it worked out for you … I’m betting many would have walked away.
I’m also gonna bet that, if they walked away, you saved yourself a lot of grief.

Your body is something worthy of the right person – you can get laid anytime / anywhere but you have to understand that, if you get into a relationship with sex on the table from the get-go and it doesn’t work out, then you gave them your body and what did they give you?
Then, you get with the next dominant and the same thing happens …. how many times will you be giving your body away with nothing (or very little) in return?
So, when the next owner asks how many times you’ve been in a BDSM relationship and they know sex was a part of the dynamic from the start, then they also know how many men you’ve slept with and in today’s world, that’s a damn scary thing – also a reason why you both should be asking for a recent exam (keeping in mind that diseases can take 6 months to appear on an exam).

So I ask you to make your wellbeing and your body the priority until they prove your wellbeing and body is THEIR priority and, when you talk with them, tell them that there is no sex in the beginning.
If they don’t like that and tell you that you aren’t a ‘true’ submissive then welcome to the world of trolls/wannabes because those that value you will be appreciative that you value yourself.

I stand by this belief and you can’t prove me wrong but I dare you to try.

Remember: Like attracts like … if you don’t have standards, don’t expect to find someone to submit to with them either.

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Posted in BDSM, Random Notes, Sex

#BDSM ~ Vintage Style

You gotta wonder what went thru the minds of the people that came up with the following advertisements – or how the public perceived what they saw/read because, when I came across one of these, I had to dig for more – too funny!

Aint nothing like an ad (or two ~ or three) for a spanking! I mean, seriously – that woman should know better and, if she (or he..?) forgot – remind her who’s boss!

all ads

For those of you that are into or have a ads9lactation fetish … heck, why not a little breast torture – erm: enhancement?


Then there’s keeping a girl at your feet








Oh, look! We have color!!
ads5And there she is; admiring the shoes that are well shined … not quite boot-black material, but it’s a start!
Doesn’t she look happy there on the floor, admiring his footwear?
*heavy sigh of contentment*.





Such a good girl, serving himads4 breakfast in bed (while he’s fully clothed) because we all know, they put that tie on and the games can begin at any moment!
Ties ~ they can do splendid things.






Gotta adore advertisements that only try to help a gal protect herself and what better way than through a depiction of bondage?





Who doesn’t love the stingy feel of a tensads8 unit or the tight comfort of a corset .. better yet, let’s combine them with the lost art of electrostimulation through a corset!






But, my friends, I don’t want you to despair and hold onto your dismayed belief that we have forsaken our need to advertise about BDSM because we haven’t!
I leave you with the renewed efforts of today’s advertisement!

not vintage

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Posted in BDSM